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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Day 224 of 365

Someone at work told me today they were worried about me. That my eyes don't look the same as they did when I first started back to work.

Like I've written before (way back on Day 28) my eyes always give it away. Here's what I wrote then:
After several years being sick and still working, it became exhausting having to be "on" all the time. I had to work hard at keeping up a good front. Some people knew I wasn't well and would ask about how I was doing. While I didn't want to admit how bad things had gotten, sometimes the lack of spark in my eyes gave it away. So working was double exhausting - having to work while sick and in pain, and having to keep faking happy as long as possible. It wore me out.

I might as well have written that fresh today. I'm there. Back there. Exhausted, feeling bad, and putting on a fake front. It's no wonder. Today was the perfect storm of the three part-time job hats I'm wearing. I was at work by 7:30 this morning and I finally left the building a while after 6:30 this evening. Who leaves a school building that late at night? If I had the energy, I'd raise my hand on that one. But I don't have the energy. Not right now.

I know I'm doing some things right. Things I wasn't doing months back, things that should help me through these 12ish hour days. But I'm also doings some wrong things.

I'm doing the right things by:
  • continuing to write every day.
  • going to work a just few days (albeit long days) a week and being home a couple days a week.
  • taking the time I need in the mornings to get my body moving.
  • sewing for others.
  • continuing to look for my picture of the day.
  • staying off of pain pills.

I'm doing the wrong thing when I neglect my health. I'm not eating well. I'm skipping meals, then eating a large meal to make up for not eating. I'm not pacing myself at work. I go and go and go until I can't go anymore. Then I come home, totally exhausted with no energy to do anything. How did I let that get out of control? What happened to paying attention to my energy and pain level and getting a hold of it before it got away from me?

And another thing - since the mornings have gotten darker and the weather has turned cooler I've stopped walking. Actually, I've stopped all exercise. I don't know how that happened, either. I was walking and also hanging out with my buddy Richard Simmons. But somehow, some way, it stopped. I didn't even make the conscious decision to stop. I wake up one day and realize I haven't exercised in a couple weeks. How does that happen? How is it that I could have been so committed to something (I had 120 days in a row earlier, doggone it!) and yet lose that commitment? Why have I let my mind get cluttered with so many other things that I've forgotten the most important thing of all - me?

I've lost my way. I've lost what I had. I've lost my focus on myself. And I don't know where to find it again. So many questions, so few answers.

Guess I'm like the colors in our burning bush. Change is slow, and I'm certainly not all there yet.