Monday, November 28, 2011

Day 271 of 365

As I was sitting at a training at work today all I could think was, "I can't do this."

I can't sit here any longer. I can't stand how bad my back hurts. I can't stand how much my hands are aching. I can't stand how stiff and painful my knees are. I can't concentrate on what the speaker is saying. I can't pay close attention to what others are saying. I can't form my words to get out anything intelligent to add to the conversation. My mind is numb. I can't will myself out of this. 

Something has pushed me over the edge. I'm not sure if it is the combination of working and holiday stuff or the weather or what, but something is off. Something has hit me like a ton of bricks. My pain is worse than usual, bordering on severe.  I usually can will myself out of the pain slump, but it didn't work today. Usually I can put on an act so no one knows what is going on, but I couldn't today.

I have pain pills at the ready, but still have avoided taking them. Days like these make me want to go back to them. Days like these make me wish I hadn't gone back to work. Make me wish I didn't hurt so much. Make me wish things weren't like this.

As much as I want to focus on others, right now I can't. I have some new pictures from Operation Kid Comfort to make into some quilts and pillows for some kiddos with parents in the Navy, but I can't get my mind into it right now. I have quilts to make for my husband and daughter for Christmas, but I can't get there, either.

A feeble attempt at keeping my mind off the pain happened this evening when I thought I might decorate our Christmas tree. Our daughter put it up last week when she was home for Thanksgiving so I could decorate sometime this week. I desperately needed a mental distraction. Unfortunately, a pre-lit tree and a determined deep-into-the-pain person with non-cooperative joints did not equate to a decorated tree tonight.

What I did manage to accomplish was to sort through our new ornaments for the season. Every year we pick up new ornaments, mostly at the after Christmas sales. I always forget what I had purchased, so every time the next Christmas rolls around, I get excited about the new ornaments I bought the year before.

New this year we have a Charlie Brown and Luci ornament that plays lines from their "sessions". A See and Say that tells us what the animals say and a View Master that works. A Playschool Jet. Clark Griswold from Christmas Vacation on an ornament that plays music and lights up. A kitty cat that looks like ours.

The tree may not have gotten decorated, but my ornaments are ready when my body is ready.