Day 190 of 365

"I don't think so" became my mantra today. Most of the times I was thinking it, but once in a while it just slipped out of my mouth.

Where else would an I don't think so day start but at the Pain Clinic. Again as I sat there in the waiting room I listened to interesting conversations. The things some people say out loud is quite amazing. I'm sure the large doses of pain medicine in their systems certainly have something to do with it.

Surprisingly, I was looking forward to this visit to the pain clinic. This would be the time I would finally find out what's up with my back. Finally maybe have a plan to get some relief, a plan to move forward. Yes and no. My new MRI results told the story.  Bulging discs in every single vertebrae scanned. Arthritis in every single vertebrae scanned. And a very severe case of arthritis in two vertebrae.

Options? No long term permanent solutions. No surgeries, but also no long term pain relief. Ever. The only hope is management of pain symptoms. Injections for the rest of my life. I don't think so. Pain medication for the rest of my life. I don't think so. Anti-inflammatory medications - used sparingly and not for more than a few months at a time - might temporarily provide some relief. Okay. Except when he handed me the prescription, he cautioned that the use of this drug will cause an increase in the side effects of my methotrexate (the chemotherapy drug I take for the arthritis). I don't think so, but will visit with the rheumatologist first.

I left that mess behind to stop by and pick up my new glasses. I'd been having terrible headaches at school being on the computer all day so a new prescription will fit the bill. I picked up my $320 glasses (that's with insurance), but they were missing the sunglasses piece. Every time I've gotten new glasses for the last 15 years or so, I get the kind that have a magnetic clip-on sunglasses piece. It just so happens the lady helping me pick out glasses a couple weeks back forgot to mention these new ones didn't come with the sunglasses piece. If I want to switch to a pair that does have the magnetic clip-on, I could pay $120 more. I don't think so. But, if I want to get a prescription pair of sunglasses, they'll give me a 50% discount. I don't think so. Or I could pay extra and get transitions, but they won't be as dark as I'm used to. I don't think so. Or I could pay extra and buy a clip-on piece that sort of fits. I don't think so.

I've seen older ladies wear sunglasses that fit over their regular glasses so I went on a search for those. First store, no luck. I found them at the second store. Twenty bucks worth, but if they work I'm willing to pay. I tried two different styles of those big wraparound glasses on. I don't think so became I really don't think so.

Scrap that idea. So I decided to stop and get something to drink for the ride home. In the drive through of Carl's Jr. I was sitting in line, minding my own business, patiently waiting for my turn at the speaker. The gal in the big SUV in front of me wasn't nearly as patient. She started backing up, which made me start backing up. But I guess I didn't back up fast enough because she backed into me. And then she took off. No stopping, no checking, just sped off out of the line. I don't think so! I got her plate number and checked my front bumper. No damage other than a bent license plate.

At that point, getting home was all I wanted to do. I think I just might need a nap.

The best part of the day? Sunrise, of course.

Day 189 of 365

I almost cried last night. Not because I had a bad day, or because someone said something to me, or because I stubbed my toe.

I almost cried last night because I was utterly and totally exhausted. Another late night at work and a day full of meetings. Every time I go to a meeting, I'm carry a big bag of books, files and binders. A heavy bag. And my shoulders and my back have borne the brunt of the pressure.

Then there are the hands. When I started back to work and greatly increased the amount of time I spent on the computer, my hands started swelling up from the arthritis. Now my hands aren't working so well. I've even resorted to putting the tube of toothpaste on the edge of the sink and using the heel of my hand to squeeze. No more squeezing toothpaste tubes in the morning for me.

And my wrists? In worse shape than ever. From loading and unloading books and binders, and typing and typing and typing. And getting the laptop in and out, and filing papers.

I have an appointment at the pain clinic tomorrow, but I'm not holding out hope of any relief there. Unless it's comic relief. (See Day 145 for my experience there last time.) Rheumatologist is in a few weeks and I'm counting on some suggestions for arthritis pain relief. Maybe. I'll even take arthritis pain management instead of relief at this point.

So when I got home last night, hurting beyond belief, exhausted beyond belief, I wanted to cry.

But I didn't. I had a great dinner prepared by my husband, went to bed for a little bit, then got back up to take a shower. Showers always make me feel better. It just didn't make me feel as good as I wished, but it kept my tears away.

Today here I went again, back to a meeting in Boise with my big bag of folders and a laptop to carry to and from the faraway parking lot to the meeting.

Nice sunrise on the drive in, though. A bit of haze in the air made for a pretty picture.

Make a Homemade Bread Basket Liner - Day 188 of 365, Tutorial Tuesday

Sugar cookies, be gone!

I love my sugar cookies. I love decorating them, I love looking at them, I love eating them, and I love giving them away. They are something I can do quick and easy without much thought.

But I'm tired of them right now. I'm not really tired of the cookies, but I'm tired of the internal struggle - like the one that happened on Day 127. I've had better willpower these last few weeks and have given them away before eating them, but still every single time I make them I struggle with keeping them out of my mouth.

The sugar cookie demon has been faced many times these past months:

• St. Patrick's Day (Day 12)
• Easter Eggs (Day 36)
• Peeps (Day 49)
• Flowers (Day 63)
• Ladybugs, Beehives, and Bumblebees (Day 146)
• Carrots (Day 168)
• Corn on the Cob (Day 174)
• Fishbowls (Day 181)

By making them again and again, it's like I want to torture myself. Am I trying to prove I'm strong? Or maybe I'm trying to prove I'm weak? I'm tired of feeling like I'm punishing myself every time I'm around them. I could just make them and eat them and have no guilt about it. But I can't.

So out go the sugar cookie tutorials for a while and back comes a sewing-themed tutorial.

A reversible bread basket liner similar to the one I made on Day 38. Nearly the same pattern, but with different fabric. If you like bread with your dinner, or you're thinking ahead to the holidays like me, it's an quick and easy project to whip up.

Now available as a written pattern in my Etsy shop!

Looking for something else? Check out some of my other kitchen sewing and crafting projects!

Otherwise you can find the step by step how to tutorial for the bread basket liner sewing project here:

Day 187 of 365

Just be still.

I keep having to remind myself to just be still. Stop trying to keep busy, stop trying to always be thinking or doing something. Just sit still and do nothing. Enjoy the quiet.

Over these past few months at home before summer vacation, I had been getting pretty good at it. I had the entire day to myself. Me, myself, and I (and some days the kitty). Time to think, contemplate, plan, and be alone in my thoughts. Time to appreciate the quiet, time to appreciate all I had.

But now as I've started back to work, I'm getting caught up in trying to keep busy. Work days are a given as the entire day is wrapped up in, well...work. Part of the draw of this work being part time was it was going to allow me those quiet, peaceful days during the week where I could be alone. I could take my time getting out of bed. I wasn't going to force my body to move earlier than it wanted to (because that always winds up costing me in the end).

Here I am a month into work and I have yet to have one day by myself. Those days I do have off I'm at a doctor's appointment or some other medical-related appointment, or my daughter is here, or my husband is here. Each week I have high hopes for some alone, quiet, just-be-still time.

Yet again this week it won't happen. Today hubby was also home, I work three other days, and the fifth day will be spent at the most interesting of all doctor's offices, the pain clinic.

Good things come about when I'm still and quiet. I just might have to force myself to be still and quiet. I did force myself just a bit today - I sat outside. After taking down clothes from the line, I just sat there. Enjoyed the weather, didn't think about anything.

The stillness did give me a chance to find a picture for the day. An big ugly old spider captured himself a moth and was doing whatever it is spiders do with moths.