Friday, June 17, 2011

Day 107 of 365

I told my daughter last night that I'm going back to work. Her response was, "Good, mom. You need to get back to work. You know you do."

Then my mom called. She had read about me getting a new job and wanted to know if I was excited about it.

Well, not exactly. Or maybe.

I'm trying not to think about it right now.

For quite some time I've been living day by day. It's the only way I've been able to make it through rough days without pain medication. Every time I sit, or stand, or bend over, or stand up, or bend my knee, or get out of bed, or take a shower, or get dressed, or brush my teeth, or exercise, or ... I hurt. I get tired of it, I get frustrated with it, I get mad about it. The only way I know to make it through each day is to try and keep myself busy with writing, taking pictures, and sewing and quilting for others.

I hope this new job becomes one of those things that keeps me busy and keeps my mind off the pain. But doesn't keep me too busy where I go back to the person I was before. The place where I couldn't cope with the pain because I was too busy working and trying to "be strong". Too busy to put forth the extreme amount of mental effort it took (and still takes) to make it through the day.

So am I excited? Yeah, but not yet. By having trained myself to live this way - and still needing it for my sanity and survival - there isn't much room for looking ahead to the future.

Room for more baby quilts? Yep. Finished the "crumby" one today.
 Exercise update: 61 days in a row.  A little over 17 miles on the bike this week.