Just a Walk in the Park

Who is lucky enough to have lung capacity for a walk in the park? Enough lung capacity to make it 3/4 of a mile with only one sit-down-and-catch-my-breath-break? Me.

Who is lucky enough to live by a river and see this on her walk in the park in the early morning before work? Me.

And to those who commented yesterday? Thank you. It's good to know I'm not forgotten!

Choosing Joy

Something just occurred to me on the drive to work today. It is so very much easier to choose to live a life of joy when you are feeling better.

In my case that means my non-working lung isn't always interrupting my daily activity like it did just a few short months ago. It's pretty darn amazing how much different life is when you can breath. Oxygen is so important!

Recently I've done some simple things I didn't think I'd ever get to do again. Work in the rose garden. Go grocery shopping (by myself - with no scooter). Get up in the morning and shower and get dressed and eat breakfast and pack a lunch and go to work - all in a row with no breaks to stop and catch my breath. Load boxes in the car (gotta work on those 100 things).

And walk. In the store. At school. In the park. Just last weekend when kiddo was over the three of us went down to the park by the river here in Marsing. We made one loop around the paved path and I wanted to do more. So under the bridge we went, past the first boat dock and all the way to the second boat dock. For most folks it would seem all that walking might be just a short little jaunt. But for me with one operating lung, rheumatoid arthritis, and a knee needing replaced it was a big little jaunt. I was walking a pretty brisk-for-me pace so there were lots of catch-my-breath breaks. But I have to say I pushed myself, was proud of myself, and it felt good to do something I thought I'd never get to do again. (Now I just need to make it a habit.)

Even took the camera down, hoping to catch some pictures of ducks. The best picture came as I was backing out of the driveway before we even left the house. I think we're gonna have babies around again.

How can I not be joyous?

March 3, 2011

Being that today is March 3, and three years ago exactly was March 3, I figured I might as well look back to that day. Some of you were around back then and some of you weren't, but in either case let's take a walk down memory lane to 2011. To the first post ever of this blog. My, how times have changed.

Day 1 of 365
So the last 18 months have been rough.

First there was a back injury that make it difficult to do most daily activities. Then came the Rheumatoid Arthritis diagnosis. Total knee replacement surgery was next. Then, a root canal gone bad requiring gum surgery. Took a year's leave of absence from work to help expedite my healing. Broken finger. Torn rotator cuff in my right shoulder and subsequent surgery. Followed by torn rotator cuff in my left shoulder and subsequent surgery. I've spent 17 of the last 18 months (including this month) in physical therapy and have taken more pain medicine than a person should. Back issues still plague me, my knee doesn't bend completely, I still can't raise both arms above my head, and the chemotherapy medication I'm taking for the rheumatoid arthritis isn't improving my condition.

And I'm 45 years old.

Despite the fact that I have more bad days than good and my body is failing me, I am thankful.

I'm thankful for my family. For my husband who is now the breadwinner for the family. For my daughter who let me come live with her for my last surgical recovery. For the cat that climbs up on me when I'm not feeling so great. For the roof over my head. For the view of the river I have from my living room window. For being able to, on some days, do something that will benefit others. Collecting coupons to send to military families. Blankets for babies in the hospital. Cookies for my physical therapists.

But over these last 18 months I haven't felt so thankful. Out of work, in pain, struggling to get through each day.

But today that is going to change.

For the next year, I have a goal. A picture goal. A take-a-picture-every-day-to-see-that-you-have-lived kind of goal.

Every day, I will take a picture of something I did, created, saw that was interesting (or even boring), somewhere I went, or anything else I decide to capture at the time.

I don't know where this will lead me, but hope it will lead me back into the land of the living instead of the land of the existing.


Fast forward to present day. Here's something I found this week on Pinterest (my new obsession). How appropriate. Happy blog anniversary!

Salad Plates

I tried to keep looking for the beauty. I tried to take pictures. I tried to start the blog up again. Made it through several days last week.

Then nothing.

For a couple days this week, I think I actually forgot I even had a blog. We've been busy around the house getting rid of things. We're on a mission to 100. Owning only 100 things each. Two car loads to charity, several bags to the trash, some things to kiddo, some things to my mom. Boy, do we have a lot of stuff.

We've kept about 20% of our books. Most of the remaining books are hubby's school related, history and government related books (and he won't give those up until he retires). We've been through our clothes closets and our linen closet. We've been through every cabinet and drawer in our kitchen. We got rid of casserole dishes and loaf pans and muffin tins and cheesecake pans. We got rid of utensils and silverware. Speaking of silverware, how serious are we about cutting down? We now only own three butter knives. How about dishes? Got rid of our whole set. We now own four salad plates and one dinner plate. Crazy, right?

I think the best thing for me is the salad plate. It makes my dinner look like plenty of food. Yeah, we're talking about just three shrimp but don't they look delicious on my little salad plate?

2024

I remembered when I got my passport 10 years ago. We were planning a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Alaska to celebrate our 20 year anniversary. Then we got our daughter's the following fall as we were anticipating a trip to Jamaica. The Alaska trip happened but the Jamaica trip didn't. Back that long ago I really didn't think beyond those couple trips. As I think about it now I could never have predicted the traveling we would have done over these past 10 years.

8 trips to Alaska, 2 to Hawaii. several to Canada. A road trip from Idaho to Florida to Maine and back again. Tents and campgrounds, cruises and hotels and cabins.

In a job interview you might be asked, "Where do you see yourself in___ number of years?" The more important question for me (upon seeing the expiration date of my new passport) would be, "Where do you see yourself traveling in the next 10 years?"

Exciting to think about, isn't it?

A Bit of Air

Get up. Take a shower. Get dressed. Cook breakfast. Make a sack lunch.

A typical routine for millions of folks around the world. Except for me that routine has required me to take a rest break/catch-my-breath break in between each one of those steps due to my lung issue.

But as I was driving to work this morning something occurred to me.

I didn't take any breaks this morning. I got up, showered, dressed, made my omelette, and fixed my sack lunch. In that order. Back to back. And I wasn't totally out of breath. And no low oxygen headache.

I had started thinking something was up this weekend. Hubby made me go outside and shovel snow with him. (I agreed because I wanted to get a picture of PJ boy shoveling snow in his pajamas.) I took the easy way out when it came to shoveling and just did the small sidewalk. When I was finished I realized I had a bit of air left. My lungs weren't totally used up.

I do think the lungs are getting a bit better.

Unbelievable. As unbelievable as hubby being dressed in real clothes on the weekend.

Not 'till Noon

My obsession of checking school mail every 5 minutes is creating havoc with my days so I decided on a mantra.

Not 'till Noon. No checking email until noon on my days off.

It's been in my head for the last few days. I go to bed with the thought, I wake up to the thought.

And did I make it on this first day of using it? Not even close. Even as I repeated the words to myself I was checking it. And replying to it. Why the obsession? Maybe it's because I want to stay on top of things. Maybe it's because I don't want to be left out of things. Certainly checking email would not be at the top of most folks' list for the best way to spend their day off. So why is it on mine?

Grrr.

On a more visually pleasing note, take a look at the snowy creek bank. Or should I say, my interpretation of one. It's really the water coming out the downspout of one our gutters. The snow is beginning to melt off the roof and making a little trickle of water flow into the snow covered wildflower-turned-perennial garden. Not all that exciting, but it sure is better than checking email.

Senior Project

High school students in Idaho are required to complete a Senior Project in order to graduate. At my husband's school that project is career-based. Students research a career, secure a mentor, and spend time working in that particular field. Hubby is the one that runs the projects for his district and I was able to benefit today because of it.

About this time of year students come to him and need more service hours or another mentor. One gal was getting tired of practicing her skill on the same members of her family and was looking for others who might want her services. He signed me up.

So this afternoon while the snow fell and I sat in my recliner, the high school senior came over and worked on my feet. What was she doing?

Reflexology.

I've had my feet massaged the one time I had a pedicure, but this was different. I sat there as she pushed and rubbed and stretched and pulled, all the while describing the different parts of my body that are reached through my feet. It was quite nice. (Probably the first time I didn't get a bit ticked at hubby for signing me up for something!)

The only downside was that I didn't want to get out of my chair afterwards. Three hours later I finally moved and found out it is still snowing. (Thanks for sending it our way, Lisa.)

My Lucky Day

Actually most of the day was sucky. Yesterday's multi-stop trip (actually a two stop trip) left my knee in pretty bad shape. I thought the store walking was going to tax my lungs, but alas, it was the knee in need of replacement. But as I told hubby, nothing is going to stop our upcoming plans. Even the fact I had to use a cane just to get around the house. Sucky.

But the afternoon phone call helped. We had booked our spring break flight quite a while back and the airline called to say they were overbooked and wanted to know if we had flexibility in our flight.

Heck yes! First class seats to LAX. $400 in future flight vouchers. Sign me up.

You can also sign me up for my version of Mandarin Chicken. Cook up some boneless, skinless chicken breast, onions, green pepper, and pineapple. Toss with a bit of jarred sweet and sour sauce. Other than being a little too sweet for me (I think hubby thought I was crazy...wasn't sweet at all for him) it worked for me. All six bites.

Gotcha

The Universe played a "gotcha" on me today.

Today was one of those days I had been planning for. One of those days I'd been thinking over in my head, one of those days that I would make perfect.

Meeting in the morning. Lunch at home. Then my biggie - go to town and buy cat food. Drop off donations. Pick up prescriptions. Go grocery shopping. All by myself. I haven't made a scooter-less multiple-stop trip by myself in a very, very long time. But I was prepared. I had my schedule of stops all planned out.

But then the meeting got moved to the afternoon, so a change of plans was in order. While first thing in the morning is a rough time for me, I committed to getting up and doing my biggie trip before the meeting.

But then, snow all morning. Being it was going to take every bit of strength and stamina and concentration to get through the multi-stop trip to town I decided it best I not go. Goodness knows there is no need for a driver who isn't at the tip top of her game on the highway on a day like today.

Gotcha! Said the Universe. Stop over planning things!

But wouldn't you know, by the time I headed to the meeting the roads started clearing up. 

And after the meeting they were clear even more. So onward to shopping. 

It all works out, doesn't it?

Antithesis

an·tith·e·sis. anˈtiTHəsis. noun: a person or thing that is the direct opposite of someone or something else.

As in, Debbie's new behaviors are the antithesis of the old Debbie.

During the life of this blog I believed in living one day at a time.

I believed I should look for the beauty in each day. (Hence the daily pictures.)

I believed that doing things for others made you lead a fuller and more blessed life. (Hence all the sewing projects for charity.)

I believed that, even while I wrote about my struggles and triumphs, life wasn't all about me.

But in the last month I've become obsessed.

Obsessed about the future, always thinking and planning for future times (when I might feel better) and no longer living for the moment.

Obsessed about not wanting to go into the sewing room. Why am I so scared of working on a new project?

Obsessed about not looking around for the beauty in the day. I can't even look beyond checking my school mail every five minutes, no matter what I'm doing. Can't even get through a movie without looking at the phone.

Obsessed about myself. What can I eat? When is my snack? Did I get all my fluids in for the day? How should I space out my vitamins? How much weight have I lost? (50 pounds, for the record.)

This is so not me. I've got to get back to the old me. First up, out to dinner at Alejandra's. Four bites of chicken fajitas - and a picture of the day- and I'm done.

Baby, baby steps.

Lessons Learned

After having a rough time of going to work a couple week back, I took this past week off. I used it to more-or-less drop off the face of the earth. I did no school work and replied to very few emails. I used the time to rest, relax, and learn some lessons.

In no particular order here are my Top 10 Lessons Learned:

• Despite my previous thoughts, I found out my health really does come before work. 
• A plastic fork can substitute when no hair brush is available.
• A couple bites of the moist, delicious white meat inside a KFC extra crispy chicken breast is quite tasty. However, if you've had weight loss surgery do not even think about taking a bite of the skin. Because what goes down must come up. And it ain't pretty and it ain't fun.
• A hairdryer works to warm up a leftover omelet when no microwave is available.
• The only way makeup can make it on my face for the first time in ages is to have a daughter take her wedding party (and invite her mommer) to a Mary Kay thing. (That's how out of the makeup loop I am - I don't even know what it was we went to!)
• Sometimes it's just nice to hang with your daughter, even though she keeps pushing you to walk more and more to get your exercise in for the day.
• If you spend some time in your Boise house to keep away from flu-ridden husband you just might come home to a changed man. All thanks to a book he's read while you were gone.
• When you are prepared to go grocery shopping by yourself, it is guaranteed that there will be no electric shopping carts available. You'll have to go it on your own. You'll have to take a break in the middle of the store, but you will make it.
• The pintos and cheese at Taco Bell is the tastiest meal on Earth.
• A slice of pepperoni and a slice of mozzarella rolled up and dipped in tomato sauce makes the tastiest snack on Earth.

Like a 3 Year Old

I've been feeling pretty icky these last couple weeks. I still have no energy, my dizziness and weakness and close-to-fainting episodes are pretty constant. My hands and feet regularly go numb. As I've been checking my blood pressure at home I suspected that was the issue, especially since the monitor keeps reading it as an error. I was waiting for the doctor and the nutritionist follow up visits to get an official reading.

The blood pressure of a 3 year old he tells me. What would that be?

90/62.

That explains a lot. No wonder I can't function! So a change of meds is in order. What other changes has the doctor and nutritionist ordered up?

I get to eat soft foods. I've been a good girl with my fluids and protein. I've been doing my best to exercise despite the lung (and the blood pressure). And it's obvious in my weight loss for the month. Here's the tricky part in reporting a number of pounds lost - the nutritionist is using a different starting weight than the doctor (my preop visits with the dr and nutritionist were on two different days and I weighed a different amount each time). So depending on who I go by...doctor 33 pounds; nutritionist 40 pounds. Hmm...which one to pick??

I did know what to pick for my first meal. Shredded chicken and refried beans. About four teaspoons of each. Only made it through two teaspoons of each before I was full. Gonna have to learn to love leftovers.

Most Embarrasing

Today's picture is the most embarrassing picture I've ever posted here. (Clothes.) And this topic is the most embarrassing topic I've ever written about. (Weight gained over the past years.)

Over the last 10 years I have gained and lost and gained and lost over 100 pounds. Each time I gained, I bought new clothes. Each time I lost, I bought new clothes. Each time I thought I was going to lose just a bit more weight I bought a bit smaller size. Just like anyone who struggles with weight fluctuations I held onto on those sizes (when you're talking 100 pounds you're talking a lot of sizes) in the hopes of being able to fit in them again someday.

That someday never came. But now that I'm "sleeved" I know those days will be fast approaching. I anxiously await my official weigh-in at the doctor's appointment at the end of this week, but according to my unofficial home scale I'm on track to be down 30 pounds in this first month.

What better time to go through those containers of clothes in the basement that are sizes - in some cases many, many sizes - too small? Time to take stock of what I have, what I don't have, what clothes I never even took the tags off of because I never fit into that size.

It turned out to be a horrible mess. All dumped on the bed for me to sort through.

Hi, my name is Deb and I hoard clothes of all different sizes.

Invincible? Nope.

Since I didn't get to go for my walk today (today's picture shows why) I went grocery shopping with hubby. Usually all my grocery trips over the last several months have involved my scooter. Unfortunately since surgery I'm not allowed to lift more than 15 pounds and my scooter weighs 35 pounds. And one-armed hubby can't help much either. So everywhere I go I'm scooter-less.

But I thought it would be okay shopping without the scooter today. I've been walking. I've been bowling, playing golf, tennis, and baseball. (Granted they're on the Wii, but at least it's something.)

Boy, was I wrong about my capabilities. Walking around the store, pushing the cart? Horrible. Bad enough I had to go sit down in the middle of the shopping trip. The lungs just won't kick in. Just like on my walks. Panting, sweating, lightheadedness, terrible headaches, inability to think straight. My oxygen level drops and I feel miserable, just like before surgery.

So one-armed hubby and post-op wife will be figuring out a way to work together to get the 35 pound scooter in and out of the car. No more shopping trips without it.

And no walking down the street today or tomorrow for sure.

Waiting for my Owner

Hubby has been pretty protective of me. Stayed with me every night in the hospital. When I recouped at our place in Boise he carefully portioned out all my liquids, made sure I took my vitamins, and took walks with me. Once we came back to Marsing, same thing.

But now he's returned to work and I haven't. I sit all day at home with not much to do. I sew fabric squares, I do Wii bowling, I organize things like the linen closet, I do some school work. But mostly I rest and sleep in.

And wait for hubby to come home. For part of his protectiveness involves outside. I'm not allowed to go into the gardens without him and I'm not allowed to take my walk without "supervision" he tells me.

I feel like a puppy dog waiting for her owner to come home.

I've ditched my walker and traded it for walking poles. I go to the power pole at the end of the street and turn around and come back home. With hubby "supervising" me all along the way, of course. It's not that far, but it sure feels like it to me. By the time I get home I'm panting like that puppy dog!

Just Squares

I've been pretty much keeping quiet lately. Protein, water, protein. Few more pounds gone. Naps. Still no walking on our icy street but I have been using our new Wii. Bowling and tennis mostly. Boxing? I tried it but it's a little too much work for me right now. As with any surgery it'll be a few weeks before I get my strength back.

So what do I do to keep myself busy? Reading, books on audio, and retreating to the sewing room. Doing what I'm good at, something I'm passionate about, something that doesn't require lung capacity.

Cutting and sewing charity quilts.

344 squares cut out, sewed together to make 86 square quilt blocks. Not sure what the quilts are going to look like (my brain is a little tired, too) but several kids in the hospital will get to see them first hand. That is, when I get all nine quilts put together.

I

Food Stuff

Every morning when I wake up I feel a bit panicked. Every night without fail I've had a dream about food. The situation is the same - I'm out and about, or at work, or traveling - and grab something to eat. One night it was Hershey's Kisses, one night jelly-filled doughnut holes (do those even exist?), and more than one night the dreams have involved sandwiches. I eat the particular food item and then remember I'm supposed to be only on liquids. And I panic about what to do.

I'm not sure why those dreams keep popping up because I've pretty much settled into my liquid routine. Protein packed sugar free hot chocolate for breakfast and protein packed broth for lunch and dinner. Then lots of baby sips of liquids in between. Water, low calorie Gatorade, sugar free jello, sugar free Popsicles. Four vitamins a day.

And no hunger. No desire to have anything I see on TV, no desire to taste hubby's meals. Although at Target today they had a poster for Pizza Hut breadsticks. I didn't want to eat one, but wouldn't have minded licking the seasonings off the top of one.

Speaking of Target (where I got my walk in for the day) hubby found a sign on a shelf where they had cleared out Christmas decorations. A sign he felt was important enough to take a picture of, a picture to represent the transformation I'm encountering/about to encounter.

Grades

I got my grades today.

B+

A
C+

No, I didn't take any classes. I went to the doctor for my follow up appointment.

B+ for liquids. I'm doing a pretty good job at getting close to 64 ounces a day, but it's hard when the tummy is so tiny. It's sip, sip, sip the entire day. 

A for the way my incisions are healing.

C+ for my protein intake. I'm supposed to be drinking three protein drinks a day but it's a bit of a struggle. I've been adding protein powder to my soups, to my pudding, to my drinks. But I just can't get there.

I've been using the walker to get my walking in, I made it through the wonderful smelling foods on Christmas Day without partaking, and I've lost 19 pounds. But it's not enough. He's threatened me with an IV. (No thanks.) 

I'll work harder, get the water in, get the protein in. Three more weeks of it before the next appointment and by golly I want straight A's next time.

I do think I can claim all A's on the freezing fog we're having. Yeah, I went overboard on pictures...

Megaload

What's longer than a football field and weighs a million pounds?

A megaload. A vehicle with equipment headed to the mining fields in Canada. A big vehicle. Lots of controversy has surrounded the shipments and permits haven't been issued without protests. Because of weather, this particular megaload has been stuck in Oregon some time now. Routes have been altered, timelines changed. I thought I missed my chance at a picture of it being I'm a non-driver right now hanging out post-op in Boise.

But I got my picture. Really, hubby got it. My mom had to take him to Marsing today to pick some things up. And guess what was parked right out of town?

Something that takes two pictures to get it all in. Boy, that's big.

1/2 Mile

In the movie 8 Mile a young rapper, struggling with every aspect of his life, wants to make the most of what could be his final opportunity but his problems around gives him doubts.

A lesser known movie you may not have heard about is 1/2 Mile. A middle-aged woman, struggling with her weight, wants to make the most of what could be her finally opportunity. She undergoes surgery, has a real rough time of it, then bounces back and walks the floors of the hospital. Enough trips to equal a 1/2 mile in one day.

Pretty amazing film premise, eh?

Just my life. Feeling so very much better, took multiple (albeit slow, albeit with a walker) walks and got discharged tonight. Camping out at our in place in Boise through Christmas. Thanks to future son-in-law who didn't complain when I asked him to take a detour on the way home from the hospital I got a second view - and my own picture - of the State Capitol Building. He driving on bumpy snow covered roads while I held my belly and my camera phone gave me a couple of blurry pictures.

But I don't care about the blur. I walked 1/2 a mile today.

Ick

Between ICU, dry heaves, and throwing up everything I drink it has been a bit icky. But I'm hanging in. And hubby tells me I have a nice view out my window. 

The Other Side

My surgery is this week. Not a gastric bypass, but a gastric sleeve. With a bypass they reroute your digestive system; with a sleeve they cut out most of your stomach. 85% of the stomach, in fact.

There's so much I've been thinking and so much I could write, but I'm keeping it brief.

Wish me luck, enjoy my picture of Sunday night's sunset, and see you on the other side (in a good way).

Not so Perfect

I had mentioned at work the other day that I was trying so hard to be perfect but it just wasn't working out. While I was only talking about an overlooked e-mail, I should have kept that thought in my mind while I was out to dinner.

Knowing that very soon many foods will no longer be available to me, I've been having some last meals. We had hamburgers the other day. I'm okay letting those go. Chinese food? I can pass. But steak? That one will be hard.

So after hubby's doctor appointment we went out for steak. It was going to be perfect. A perfectly cooked medium steak, seared on the outside and pink on the inside. When we ordered at the counter and one of hubby's former students, now the manager, paid for our meal (a manager has comping abilities, I guess) I really knew it was going to be perfect.

Well, no. For the steak came to me well done. I wouldn't ever care too much, except this was my last steak. Maybe forever. So for the first time ever I sent a steak back. And the new one they brought out? Pretty dang rare. And pretty dang far from what I expected from a perfect steak.

But maybe it worked out fine. Having that as my last steak in my mind might make me not miss steak as much as I thought I might.

But what is perfect? That the military base in Alaska sent me more pictures to make into a quilt. So yay for charity projects like the newly finished Spiderman quilt. Much more important to me than any darn steak.

Ditto

Last year on December 15 I wrote that we didn't go out much after dark, especially at this time of year. It was hard for me to see when driving and it was so doggone cold. (Ditto for this year.)

Last year on December 15 we just so happened to be in Caldwell as the sun was setting. (Ditto for today.)

Instead of rushing home before it became pitch dark we decided to go out to Chinese food for dinner. (Ditto for tonight.)

Yet last year it wasn't the Chinese food that became the picture. (Ditto.)

It was what we saw when we came out of the restaurant. (Ditto.)

Last year we could see Christmas lights from the restaurant. (Ditto.)

Last year we took a post-dinner walk and went to see the creek-side park decked out in every possible color of Christmas light. (Ditto-ish.)

Well, if I could walk this year we would have taken the jaunt. But if we walked I would have been out of breath. So then Scooter would have been the preferred method of transportation to the park. Except with the streets and sidewalks covered in snow and ice, Scooter couldn't go. So it was a little drive in the car, one step out of the car to snap a picture of the decorations in the snowy, icy, single digit temperatures, then back into the warm car.

Pretty? (Ditto.)

Cleaning my Plate

I had to go to a class this week. Kiddo loves her mom again so she came along. Looking around at the chubby folks in the room it was obvious she wasn't a member of the group but I was sure thankful for her support.

The class was a pre-op class for those about to have weight loss surgery. The class focused on the food, the exercise, and even the emotions involved with this type of surgery. With my surgery date just around the corner - December 18 - I had a lot of ah-ha moments. The biggies:

• The days of cleaning your plate are over.
• Short term, the immediate sense of loss of food is often a cause for distress. Even with its problems and tensions, obesity was comfortable, simply because it was known. Now, that life is gone.
• Many of your friends will be positive and genuinely delighted for you. They will stick with you through the highs and lows and relate to you as the lovable, unique person they have grown to appreciate. Others won't.
• It's all about you now, not about taking care of others. (My daughter shook a you better listen mom finger at me on this one.)

I thought kiddo was cute waving her finger at me, but when we got back to her apartment I got a picture of something cuter. I just love those blue eyes.

Lost

Lost adjective \ˈlȯst\: not knowing where you are or how to get to where you want to go : unable to find your way

There is no other way to describe the last week of my life.

I had no blog to write.
I had no pictures to take.
I had no Thanksgiving dinner to make.
I had no charity projects in the works.
I had no schoolwork to do. 
Hubby spent most of the time watching football.
Kitty spent most of time outside.
Kiddo was mad and not talking to me.

Everything I had, every single thing that gave purpose to my life, was wiped out all at the same time. And being on the verge of losing the one crutch I've had all my life - food - made the downward spiral continue.

So I'm back and so is kitty. At least I think that's our cat curled up on our bed. That might be an ear up top?

For those loyal followers, welcome back. You'll probably hear from me again this week.

The Pic a Day Project

Medical problems have dominated my life. The first bout occurred during high school when I came down with some sort of virus resulting in a hospitalization. I was so sick I couldn't return to school. Sick enough to have to spend the remainder of the school year doing independent study from home in order to finish out my sophomore year. But that was only the beginning. 35 years later and the number of surgeries I've had are in the double digits. Medications into the thousands. Pills, injections, infusions. As I found the list of ailments growing I found the need for a project to make it through my days.

Thus the Pic a Day Project was born. Out of work, hurt, sick, and bored beyond belief, I needed something to keep me going. Something to keep me busy. Something to keep me moving forward.

I started with a goal of taking a picture every day for a year. I’m a pretty private person but I took a leap of faith and put it all out there. Every day I wrote about something and took a picture. Sometimes it was pretty and sometimes it was astounding and sometimes just downright strange. Sometimes it was something that fit my mood for the day and sometimes it wasn't. Just like the days of my life, some were harder and some were easier.

Where did it get me? Well, 365 days turned into another 365 days which turned into 1000 days. Yep, just call me the crazy lady who took a picture every single day for 1000 days.

The crazy lady who was living life one day at a time, one picture at a time.

Day 1000

The Universe sure has a way of making things happen as they should.

When I woke up this morning the first thing I did was look out the bedroom window. It only seems right that the rose garden died off this morning. Not even one little bit of color. No more rose pictures for the year.

I packed up the quilts for Alaska and took them to the post office today. No more charity pictures for the year.

We went to Alejandra's for dinner tonight. Only a couple items left and we're done with eating through the menu. No more food pictures.

All on Day 1000.

Then the phone call I was expecting arrived. If you know me, you know I've struggled with weight my whole life so a serious decision has been made. A change is scheduled to happen December 18.

Then as I was cleaning up the sewing room, I came across a notebook I had in the bottom of a basket. It had inspirational quotes I had written down, cut from calendars, and printed from the Internet. Just look at the one I had printed from 13 years ago.

The perfect way to end my 1000 days. And the perfect way to begin the next chapter in my life. While there won't be a Day 1001, I'll be back. Maybe next week. Hope to see you then as I work through my next new adventure. Until then...

Day 999

Yes, I had one of kiddo's cinnamon rolls for breakfast.
No, I didn't get the phone call I was expecting.
Yes, I went to work today.
No, I didn't eat lunch.
Yes, I went to the grocery store to buy a turkey for Thanksgiving.
No, I didn't buy it because I couldn't find my wallet.
Yes, I got home after dark.
Yes, it was cold.
Yes, I went straight to my recliner (after finding my wallet on the table).
No, I don't want to change out of my work clothes.
No, I don't want to move from this spot. Ever.

But I will. For two reasons. Two kids in Alaska who are waiting for quilts made with their Dad's work clothes.

Day 998

One thing I know I'll have done before Day 1000? The kids' quilts for the military base in Alaska. The mom wanted Dad's clothes in the quilt. Talk about a challenge!

Here's a peek at the girl's. A peek at the boy's is being hampered by kitty cat.

Day 997

A young man is walking along the ocean and sees a beach on which thousands and thousands of starfish have washed ashore. Further along he sees an old man, walking slowly and stooping often, picking up one starfish after another and tossing each one gently into the ocean.

“Why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?,” he asks.

“Because the sun is up and the tide is going out and if I don’t throw them further in they will die.”

“But, old man, don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it! You can’t possibly save them all, you can’t even save one-tenth of them. In fact, even if you work all day, your efforts won’t make any difference at all.”

The old man listened calmly and then bent down to pick up another starfish and threw it into the sea. “It made a difference to that one.”

Educators hear that story quite often.

But right now I feel like it is written for my personal life. I never imagined this picture thing would be anything but a way for me to document my life. But hearing from you is leading me to the realization that what I'm doing here is bigger than myself. Over the last few days the comments, emails, and phone calls I've gotten from you has left my heart full.

Thank you.

And to top it off, kiddo was home today and wanted her momma to show her how to make cinnamon rolls. It's nice to feel needed. Boy, she has tiny fingers.

Day 996

More than once I've used the phrase, "the perfect storm". It usually has to do with something not weather-related. I've also felt like I've been in the Twilight Zone. Today was one of those kinds of days. So many strange occurrences. For them all to align within a few days of the end is just too much of a coincidence.

Maybe my days aren't done. Maybe I have more to share.

I'd ask kitty her opinion but she's too busy keeping warm in the scrap basket.

Day 995

There are so many things I thought would be different. I thought 1000 days in my life would have found me full of remarkable changes. I've accomplished so much but feel like I've changed so little.

I've seen some successes. I made it back to work and now have a dream job. I've done so much sewing for charity with quilts and stockings and pillows. I've written a book. I've conquered my fear of heights. I bought a place for retirement. I've supported my husband through a bad bout with kidney failure. I've seen my daughter get engaged. I've seen our cat grow smaller and weaker. I've traveled and sucked out all the marrow of life. I've gotten a couple tattoos to inspire me to keep plugging along.

What an amazing life I have. But I've taken thousands of pills, given myself hundreds of injections, and had several rounds of infusions all in the attempt to make my self well. And it hasn't worked. Here I am, 995 days later, and the pain and stiffness and fatigue drains me as much today as it did back then. Living these last few months with only one working lung has made life even more difficult.

Yet. 

Yet each and every day I get myself out of bed. Each and every day I find something to take a picture of. Each and every day I turn to this blog to help me through the next step (and misstep). 

What will I do without it? What will I do without you cheering me on?

Day 994

Shock and awe.

Why is this still happening?

Day 993

Someone has spent more time than I have with my new sewing machine.

Day 992

What is up with our roses? We might wind up with a rose centerpiece on the Thanksgiving table.

Day 991

The days are drawing to a close. For the blog and for the rose garden.

Day 990

I don't know which picture is more adorable. Kitty glaring at me while I was drying her off after her bath.


Or the Mohawk that appeared in my sewing room. (And no, I didn't style her hair that way.)

Day 989

8:00 AM.

30 degrees outside. 

Frost on the roof. 

In a short sleeved t-shirt, sweats, and house slippers a crazy lady wanders the rose garden with her phone. 

Looking for a picture of frost on roses. 

Think I got it.

Day 988

Gotta love eBay fabric lots, especially such a cheap one with yards and yards and yards of high quality fabrics. But I need to stop buying. Soon.