Day 528

I knew that when his appetite started coming back it was probably the steroids. Now that he's been on them a couple weeks now I know for sure.

He's a hungry guy. Most of today's conversations seemed to revolve around food - how he's starving right after he eats, what food he'd like to have and even a specific list of foods to ask the dietician about. Then when it came time for him to go to dinner and me to leave for a bit (only patients and nurses are allowed in the dining room) I asked for his input on where I should go. He named off restaurant after restaurant. I followed one of his suggestions. The Ram.

Good choice. Not only did they have garlic fries but they had something called "ice cream cupcakes". Oh my! As tasty as everything was, I'm hoping I'm getting close to the end of the What I Ate When I Left the Hospital book.

I did put the car issue to rest. A morning spent at the dealership was time well spent. An oil change didn't find the rattling, but when they removed the tires for rotation they discovered a large rock in my brakes. Problem solved. If I hadn't solved it myself Gini had offered to pick me up - even pick up my car - to help me out. Thanks, Gini!

Day 527

If you need anything...

I hear that a lot these days. I certainly appreciate the offer, but how do you ask for help when you're accustomed to doing everything yourself? How do take help from other people you've never offered help to yourself?

How do I ask for stupid stuff? Things like needing someone to:

• carry off the broken exercise bike sitting out at the trash can.
• spray the weeds in the rose garden and the vegetable garden and the shade garden and in front of the house and behind the back fence.
• dig potatoes and pick tomatoes - and keep plenty of them for yourself.
• prune the roses - and take as many bouquets as you want. I'll even give you some vases for them.
• go through my mail. I get home and stack it in a pile(s). Sometimes I sort it, sometimes I don't. Either way I'm tired of catalogs, magazines, and credit card offers cluttering my space.
• take my car to get serviced. A terrible rattle appears to be coming from under the car and the maintenance required light that came on this week and won't go off is pressing me to take action. That is, whenever I can get there during business hours.
• wash and chop vegetables for me. I'm trying hard to keep juicing, but the washing and chopping cuts into either hospital time or getting-to-work time.
• clean out the irrigation pump filter. It's in a case in the ground, too low and screwed on too tight for me to clean it out. Sprinkler pressure is down and things aren't getting watered properly.
• dig up my daisies. They spread too much, they take too much deadheading, and they get too tall. They've taken over practically all my wildflower-turned-perennnial garden and I'm getting tired of having to stare at the ugly mess every time I pull into the driveway.
• pump my gas. In addition to driving back and forth to work I'm driving almost 80 miles roundtrip to the hospital several times a week and am using up gas like crazy.

How do I ask for help with those things? I don't. I say thanks for the offer and leave it at that. For a person who never asks for help maybe it's just easier to live with a messy house, messy gardens, barely-working sprinklers, a broken exercise bike, and intermittent juicing.

It was almost easier to live without a picture today, too. Of all the days I've taken pictures, all 526, today I believe was the hardest. Today was the day I couldn't find anything. In desperation I snapped a picture of a plant the high school staff gave my husband when he first wound up in the hospital. Both of us may not be flourishing right now but the plant is, some three weeks later.

Day 526

When one is beyond tired because of upheaval in her normal routine, what does one do? Go to work.

What does that person do when she gets home from work? Take a much needed nap.

What should that person do when she gets up from her nap?

Use her garden cucumbers to make dill pickles, of course.

Day 525

The wall made an appearance today and I hit it.

After three weeks of hospital back and forths, I hit the wall today. I woke up stiff, in pain, found it difficult to move, and had absolutely no energy. It was like a flashback to my bad arthritis days. I had been feeling pretty good for a while now, but that wall hit me hard today. And it wasn't a good day for it to happen.

Today was hubby's birthday. We made sure the nurses knew ahead of time so they could make him feel special until we arrived. They did. Even embarrassed him a bit by singing Happy Birthday to him in the dining room during lunch time. Daughter and I stayed home for a little while to finish his special cake. Because he is on a renal failure diet (low salt, low potassium, low protein) we had to make a cake without eggs. So I altered a recipe and made a chocolate zucchini cake with no eggs and no oil.

Cake + sign for his room + laptop + DVD was going to equal a fun night for him.

But things changed a bit. When we arrived at the hospital he wasn't feeling well and had even skipped his physical therapy. An extremely low blood pressure but an extremely high pulse rate was alarming to nurses and doctors. Our celebration was delayed by an EKG. Thank goodness no abnormalities appeared (other than a fast heart rate).

Dehydration.

All the medications to get the excess fluid out his system worked a little too well. The birthday celebration was delayed even more as four (or was it five?) different nurses tried to start an IV on a man who was too dehydrated for one to take. An even longer delay as they tried different things - they even wrapped his arm in warm blankets for a while to try and plump up the veins. The things I never knew!

Since the hospital provided a pudding sundae with his dinner we sang Happy Birthday and let him blow out the candle.

Later, once the IV was going strong, we ate just a bit of the zucchini cake (sent the rest to my mom) and watched some of the movie. Too long of a day for all of us.

 At least daughter still had some energy to take some sunset pictures on the way home.

Day 524

Today won't be an easy day for you, but it will definitely be a productive one! 

With a day's horoscope reading like that, I knew I was in for it.

Today was my first day back at work. A day I had to start addressing things I had put off. And a new discovery - unauthorized charges on my school credit card when hubby first got in the hospital. We have great folks at the district office helping resolve the issue.

Today was the day daughter came home to help out. She spent most of her time at her dad's school prepping his classroom for the school year. The school year he won't be starting, but will hopefully be finishing.

Today was the day we met with the kidney specialist. Kidneys are responding to treatment but with muscles not receiving protein for some time, a long road to recovery is ahead.

And a hot day. Getting in my car after the nephrologist visit confirmed just how hot it was. Once I got moving down the road, it did cool down to 107.

But an even more interesting picture was sent to me by someone I work with. She has some of the same health issues as I do but does a much better job of getting up and moving around than I do. She captured such a nice clear picture down by her pond.

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Day 523

I learned a lesson today about what is big stuff and what is small stuff that you shouldn't sweat. It happened because someone else got a parking ticket.

A gal from work who lives down the road from the hospital picked me up and we went to lunch together. I'm not one who goes into downtown Boise especially during lunchtime, so I was thankful when she agreed to drive. This gal, an amazing parallel parker, found us a great spot right in front of the lunch place. Unfortunately when we finished our lunch and returned to the car, she had a parking ticket on her window. While entering the restaurant neither of us noticed there was a parking meter sitting at the rear of the vehicle.

If I had gotten a parking ticket today I probably would have been in tears. (Partially because I'm barely holding everything together as it is.) But she was very relaxed. It wasn't a biggie to her. It was little stuff.

After she dropped me off I walked back into the hospital and started thinking. What is big stuff?

Big stuff is a husband who:
has kidney failure.
hasn't slept in his own bed since the month of June.
had so much edema that he's lost 35 pounds in the past three weeks.
has little muscle mass left.
needs assistance to get up, sit up, stand up, or move.
spends most of his time in a wheelchair or hospital bed.
has gone from extremely high blood pressure to extremely low blood pressure.
will celebrate his birthday this week. In the hospital.
won't return to work for 3-6 months.

Big stuff?
A husband who today, for the first time in almost a month, was able to get tennis shoes to fit on his feet.
A husband who today, during therapy and with the help of the walker and additional person, went up one step and came down that one step. Without taking a break.

Little steps, but big stuff. Thanks to you-who-shall-remain-nameless for the lesson on big stuff versus little stuff. I needed it.

And I sure needed that lunch. Unbelievably delicious pepperoni and chive pizza.

Day 522

I can't decide which is the tastiest thing I made with the veggies from the garden. Salsa or juice?

Granted the juice isn't the prettiest with the addition of the beet greens, but doggone it's tasty.

Day 521

No more complaining about a lackluster harvest from the garden.

Just today I got:

• Swiss chard
• Kale
• Beets
• Carrots
• Red potatoes
• Tomatoes - slicing, cherry, Roma
• Cucumbers
• Zucchini
• Peppers - bell, yellow, hot
• Onions
• Rosemary
• Parsley

The most interesting of the bunch was a pickling cucumber that obviously sat on the vine too long.

Day 520

When I'm at the hospital I watch hubby's physical therapy. It's nerve-wracking, especially today. Since we have five steps to get into our house they worked at getting him to use a walker to get up steps.

One step. With two people helping lift him as he held the walker, he struggled to make it up one step. One step and then he had to sit down and take a break. But even more nerve-wracking was watching them get him down the step. Yesterday when they had him try to go down they wound up having to put him back in the wheelchair and bring him down.

Today he did it. With two people holding onto him tightly and him holding tightly onto the walker he made it down. As scary as it was for me to watch, I'm sure it was even more scary for him.

Maybe the flowers in his room will brighten things up. His school district send a gorgeous bouquet his way. I'm partial to the sunflowers myself.

Day 519

With hubby being cared for in the hospital I know this is probably the easiest part of the journey. When he comes home and I start back to school it'll probably be the hardest. But he's not coming home yet.

The biopsy revealed that an anti-inflammatory medicine a doctor prescribed a while back caused the kidney failure. He's on a multitude of medications and now that they've added steroids to the mix his kidneys are showing some improvement. He's lost close to 30 pounds of excess fluid but still has more to go. They are working on him using a walker, but he is still really weak. The doctors and therapists had a big pow-wow today to review his case and make a decision about discharge. At least two more weeks.

What will life be like for him when he does get home? They'll be no cleaning, cooking, gardening, taking out trash. Nothing. He'll need help bathing, dressing, toileting, getting out of bed and up from a chair, will need a walker, and may need a home health aide. And when does he get to go back to work? 3-6 months is their best estimate. Looks like we're in it for the long haul.

Guess at least I get to go out for a meal each day. Blimpie's French Dip sandwich for lunch today. Yum, yum.

Day 518

Nowadays I think a lot about the emergency run-through they do on airplanes. Particularly the whole secure your own mask before helping others.

Now that we're on Day 14 in the hospital I've tried to get myself into a routine where I'm securing my own mask. Originally I was always at the hospital but that has changed. I'm visiting the hospital two consecutive days and spending the night with my mom and then I go home for one day. Two on, one off.

Even with being home a day, it isn't enough to keep up with things. Unfortunately on my off day I don't have energy to do much of anything other than take it easy. With summer in full swing and gardens and lawns needing attention I'm drowning. I had to absolutely force myself to do something today. It wasn't on my to-do list but I made myself get back into the sewing room. I mindlessly cut out stockings for Stockings for Soldiers.

My hands and arms may be sore tomorrow, but I cut out enough to make 99 stockings.

Day 517

When you only eat one meal a day you want that meal to count.

I've still been juicing twice a day, even taking juice with me to the hospital. But at least once a day I have "real" food. The other day it was oh-so-good chicken tacos at Alejandra's, last night it was cube steak and roasted red potatoes at my mom's, and today it was a birthday lunch.

My friend from work - the one who took me out for my birthday last year, the one who I went to the movies/show with last summer, the one whose birthday I forgot in October  - took me out for a belated birthday lunch. I got to choose the place and time.

Red Robin. 12:15. Teriyaki Chicken Sandwich. Need I say more?

Other than yes, I ate it all. And thank you to (you know who you are) for the lunch, the gift card to the fabric store, and the good conversation.

Day 516

All the work that went into planting the garden this spring - clearing the plot, putting down landscape fabric to deter weeds, laying the used timbers from the rose garden to mark the beds, and weeding, weeding, and weeding.

All that work and a harvest that isn't exactly worth a picture. It's way down from last year, but that probably has to do with the neglect it has suffered over the last four weeks. But at least it's just enough to supplement my grocery store veggies and keep my mom supplied. We have red potatoes but they didn't make the picture.

Day 515

Every morning I drive by a coffee place that has a new slogan each day. The sayings are typically pretty darn insightful, but I'm not a coffee drinker so I never stop to write them down or take a picture of any of them. But I had to get gas nearby and found myself stopped at the stop sign smack dab in front of the board. Must have been fate.

Except I don't know who it best fits. Hubby and his therapy or me and my exercise bike.

Day 514

A year ago today I wrote about how my husband was at a conference and wouldn't be home. No going somewhere, no dinner out, no special dinner in. Last year on this day I spent my time in the sewing room and in the gardens.

Why is this day so special? It's our anniversary. 28 years. And just like last year, my husband is away and won't be home.

But I did go his way. I spent the afternoon with him watching NASCAR on the TV in his room. (Mostly he slept, I watched.) When they wheeled him away to go have his dinner with the other patients, I drove back to Marsing and had dinner at Alejandra's.

$3.18 bought me two of the tastiest chicken tacos with some chips and salsa. I'm a cheap anniversary date, especially when I'm by myself.

Day 513

Who plants peppers that grow upside down? That would be me. I don't know if it happened in the mix-up at the greenhouse or if I intentionally chose them, but they are not growing in a way I would expect peppers to grow.

I guess kind of like our lives right now. Hospital, day nine, no improvement.

Day 512

When I showed up at the hospital early this morning I warned my husband that things weren't going to go as planned and we might as well just go with the flow. I knew this because of my horoscope for the day:
In order to persevere during this potentially tumultuous day, you are going to have to take a bit of a 'so what?' attitude to all the goings-on.

He didn't heed my advice. But tomorrow will be a new day in a new hospital in a different town as this afternoon he was transferred to a rehabilitation hospital in Boise. He'll be closer to my mom and daughter, but about an hour from me. I haven't figured it all out yet. I'm going to bed early and will think on it tomorrow.

But as for my picture...every morning on the way to the hospital I pass a potential picture. Doesn't seem quite right - such an old, weathered barn sitting next to a ? (I have to admit, I don't know if it's a cell phone tower or an emergency tower or what.)

Day 511

Today was a numbers game. I thought this morning's numbers from my donation receipt were going to be what stood out:

• 3 boxes clothing
• 10 boxes housewares and misc
• 15 boxes Christmas and other
• 2 pieces luggage
• 3 boxes books

That's a lot of money I sent out the door right there.

But when the air conditioner guy diagnosed our problem as a bad motor, the cost of the repair got me. Paid in full when work was done. It is now fixed and it's oh-so-nice and cool in the house, but I'm $600 poorer.

While we waited for the air conditioner repair guy to finish up, my daughter, the greatest helper in the world, tackled the rose garden. Unfortunately, she was tackled when she got a bit too close to a wasp nest. She left the area with seven wasp stings. Seven.

The kiddo's number topped them all today, but at some point one single smarty-pants squirrel decided to hide his walnut in our herb garden. That Mr. Smarty Pants never came back for it and has left us with a baby walnut tree. Thanks to Ms. Seven-Sting Daughter, Mr. Smarty Pants will have to go hungry.

Day 510

As a teacher, you have those kids (let's call them stinkers) who are somewhat of troublemakers. They're loud, noisy, always bothering other kids, not ever doing what they are supposed to be doing. And they're hardly ever absent.

Whether it's the energy level that keeps them well or what, they are certainly hard to keep down (and keep quiet). But occasionally those kiddos do get sick. How can a teacher tell when those kiddos aren't feeling well? The classroom is calm. The kiddo is quiet, calm, and just goes with the flow. I thought adults were the same way.

Guess not.

After spending hour after hour with sick hubby, he's not become any more pleasant. When he feels well he's impatient and grumpy. When he's sick - same thing. These last couple days have been particularly bad. I even had to turn my mom away from visiting today. I should have turned myself away as well. In fact, I almost walked out of the hospital room on him. But I stuck around, thinking it might get better. Nope. No matter who it was - me or the nurses - he was not a nice person.

Which left me wondering - what happened to that strong, confident person I found on the trip? (That person being me.) Too many days of sitting in the hospital with him. Too many days of driving home with the sun setting in my eyes, big windshield cracks down my side of the window making it difficult to see. Too many days of walking into a house with no working air conditioning and seeing 89 degrees on the thermostat and knowing it won't drop below 80 by morning. Too many days of yard sale stuff in the living room.

It was enough to make me start to cry on the way home. But I caught myself. Both the air conditioner and windshield repair folks are coming tomorrow afternoon. Biopsy results should be back tomorrow evening. There is talk of moving hubby to a rehab center for him to work on being able to walk again.

Then daughter came home tonight and we loaded up both our vehicles with the yard sale stuff (unfortunately she'll have to make a second trip - just too much stuff). She also brought the movie Grease and we're having a late-night girls' movie night downstairs in the cooler basement. And she said I can sing all I want!

I know things will get better so for now I'm holding off the tears. (Other than maybe shedding a tear when I say goodbye to all the stuff that I once held dear.) I also added pictures of our "supervisors" when we were working.

Day 509

With 10 surgeries under my belt I'm a pretty good patient. I know what to expect, I know what to do, I know how it feels. As a patient's spouse I'm finding I'm not as competent.

I show up in the morning, stay into the evening, and head home. I bring bottled water to drink and some days I leave the hospital for lunch and some days I bring my juice and a granola bar. One day I brought the laptop, another day I sorted through the mail, and another day read newspapers and magazines. School-related phone calls and e-mails are inudating me, but at this point I'm trying to ignore them as best I can. I mostly do Sudoku, play Words with Friends with my daughter (when she's not working) and wait for hubby to grumble something at me when he wakes up. Today I got smart and brought my slippers to change into.

But is that what I'm supposed to do? He doesn't have visitors to entertain, he doesn't have a roommate. It is just the two of us. Him sleeping and me trying to keep myself busy.

I feel guilty when I'm not there. But when I am there I feel like I don't know what I'm supposed to do (other than sit with him). Thank goodness for my pictures - I know what to do there.

Today it's the broccoli trees. When our daughter was little and we drove Farmway Road I always made comments about the broccoli trees. Having never eaten or purchased or even paid attention to broccoli before, I thought these trees resembled broccoli. Now that we've grown broccoli, I buy broccoli, and I even occasionally eat broccoli (gasp) I still think the trees look like broccoli.