Day 220 of 365

I'm not a big comfort food person. I didn't grow up on casseroles and I'm not into mac and cheese. I don't even remember too many of my meals growing up.

As I think back on my childhood, it had two parts. Pre-divorce and post-divorce. Up to 3rd grade and 4th grade and on.

My parents divorced when I was a kid. A few months before my eighth birthday, we packed up the house in San Jose and moved about 80 miles away to live with my grandparents. We left the old house behind and I left my old life behind. I have few memories of the pre-divorce years, and the memories I do have revolve around the pictures I have from back then. Mostly birthday parties. The only food memories are birthday cakes, grilled cheese sandwiches, and fried eggs. (I'm sure my mom cooked, I just don't remember it.)

I remember some foods from when we moved in with, then moved next door to, my grandparents. Those fried pies from earlier this week. Tacos. Okra. Homemade pizza with Little Smokies on them. Sourdough bread. And fried chicken and mashed potatoes.

I still use the same homemade pizza dough recipe and sometimes still use Little Smokies. Tacos occur frequently in our dinner menu. I still like good sourdough bread. Fried chicken and mashed potatoes? Probably the meal I remember that's the closest thing to comfort food. We make chicken here at home, but bake it instead of fry it. I still love mashed potatoes.

But I have another meal that feels like comfort food. I imagine it was in my childhood somewhere, yet I don't remember who made it (mom, grandma, or great-grandma?).

Chicken and dumplings. Nothing better on a cool fall day.

Day 219 of 365

My husband has his funeral all planned out. He knows who he wants officiating, where he wants it held. I would suspect it'll be a full place on that day.

He's a popular teacher, well known in the community, and is someone who never shies away from visiting with students who have long since graduated. He might not see someone for 20 years but still recognizes them right off the bat and is able to strike up a conversation. I made fun of him for years because no matter where we went - including out of state - he would see someone he knows. Now it's no longer funny. It's expected. And he never forgets a face.

Being I've never been a social person, that's a skill I don't possess. Even people I should recognize, I don't. I imagine it comes from being engrossed in work and not people. Getting good grades and being smart has been my claim to fame. But I always compare myself to other people. When I do that, someone is always smarter, nicer, friendlier, more patient, better dressed. The one that bugs me the most is when I say to myself, "She/he is a better person than I am."

I say it a lot. I look at the qualities in other people and I see so much that I lack. It's not so much about being a perfect person, but wanting to be a better version of myself.

Right now the one thing I can turn to as proof of becoming a better version of myself is my sewing for others. I'm not sure why, but kids and soldiers (and kids of soldiers) have been the focus of my sewing.

Today, Stockings for Soldiers. 30 more stockings done.

Day 218 of 365

The abrupt change in our weather has signaled an abrupt change in my thinking.

Weather wise, it was 90 earlier this week and here today it appears the temperature might not get out of the 40s. Just a few minutes ago the weatherman said with the wind we have we have windchills in the 20s right now. Quite a shock on the system.

Another shock on the system happened yesterday. Something at work made me realize I've been putting myself last.

One of the biggest draws to taking this job was that it was part time and I had some flexibility in my schedule. That it would leave me time to recuperate in between work days, give me some down time to regroup. For some reason when I started back working, I thought I'd focus on work the days I was there, and my days off would be clear-headed and not about work. It hasn't quite worked out that way, and part of that is my own fault. I've fallen into the work is more important than anything routine. But yesterday's incident gave me the wake up call I needed.

A change of attitude on my part was in store. And that change of attitude came in handy today.

Our big, huge shade tree that keeps our roses shaded in the mornings and our back patio cool in the evenings has slowly been dying off. Every summer while sitting on the patio we talk about how thankful we are for such a tree. How heartbroken we would be if anything ever happened to the tree. We love that tree.

So a few weeks back we had a tree company take a look at the problem and they decided it might be some type of stress. Fast forward to today when we had that same tree company come out and prune the dead stuff out. When trimming up in the trees, bad news was delivered. It appears a fungus has overtaken our tree. There is no cure. And within 4-5 years our tree will be dead. I remember a few years back when we had to remove our big, beautiful front yard shade tree. I loved that tree so much I almost cried the day it was cut down.

If it wasn't for my new attitude change today, I would probably upset at the thought of losing this backyard tree. I am upset, but it's something I can't influence so it's not worth my worrying about.

That's what I realized at work yesterday. I can't change anyone else, I can't change the situation, or the amount of work, or who should do what. My limited amount of energy doesn't need to be spent on any of those things.

My energy needs to be spent on being happy. It's in my hands. It's not dependent on anyone else. It's not dependent on good luck or bad luck. Not on money or things. Not on cold weather or warm weather. Not on a job or on a tree.

My happiness belongs to me.

But being happy when my husband wants me to eat some freshly picked-from-the-garden kale? I'm trying to be happy on that one, but I'm not sure I can get there.

Day 217 of 365

I've learned quite a bit in these last few days.

Did you know that:

• If you grab the end of a shower curtain the wrong way you can get a big papercut?
• If you sew Christmas stockings for hours and hours you'll be using your foot pedal a whole bunch, and then your foot will be cramped up for several days making it difficult to walk?
• If you take off your wedding ring because your hands are achy and swollen, you'll never be able to get it back on again?
• The one and only time you don't have your camera close by is the day a coyote runs out of a cornfield into the middle of the road, waits for you to stop the car, then just stands there, daring you to do something?
• If you get overworked and can't keep your head on straight you could forget a friend's birthday? And that the only way you finally remember is because the friend tells you days later? (Sorry, Jan.)
• When you take curtains down from the west-facing window behind the computer and don't get around to putting up new ones because you haven't bought a new drill, the sun will shine in your eyes in the late afternoon and evening? And that the best way to keep the sun out of your eyes so you can keep typing is to wear a baseball cap you found behind the door?
• The white you see on the slice of bread in the morning isn't necessarily freezer burn? When lunchtime rolls around and you're eating that sandwich made from that bread it might taste a bit weird? And only after the sandwich is eaten does it occur to you it was not freezer burn but mold?
• When you have a spiky haircut and your hair starts falling out because of the medication you are on, people can see right through to your scalp everywhere? And if you decide to grow your hair out so people don't see your scalp so much, you'll still keep losing hair just as much but now you'll be leaving it behind everywhere?
• Cats are like teenagers? They wind up somewhere they have no business being and car keys are sometimes involved.