Day 143 of 365

It occurred to me as I was swimming in the pool the other day that life as I know it is about to change.

In the next two weeks:
*I have to go back to the pain clinic and decide if pain meds are the answer.
*My mom is leaving California and moving back here. And moving into the apartment with my daughter.
*I go back to the gastroenterologist and find out if surgery is forthcoming. (I don't think so.)
*I go back to work.

Amidst all that,
*My husband is going away to a conference for a week.
*He has a birthday.
*We celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary.

When I was swimming in that pool, I realized it probably was the last time I would get some freedom. The last time I could truly relax.

Summer is over, school is beginning.

And I'm still not sure how I feel about that. As much as I've been living day to day, I'm afraid I'm starting to think too much about the future.

Not intentionally. It's happening in my dreams again, just like on Day 54. Bad dreams about not getting enough done at work, not thinking things through and making mistakes at work. Dreams about forgetting all this personal growth work I've done in the last few months.

In my most recent dream I was telling someone that as soon as I think about school/work, I get a knot in my stomach.

It may have been a dream, but the more I think about it, the more I realize it's true.

I feel it happening already. After several rounds of work-related phone calls and e-mails this past week, I feel the knot in the stomach starting.

Spending today in the gardens and in the sewing room helped untie the knot, especially when we came across this.

Our first green bell pepper of the season.

Day 142 of 365

I don't like to drive. Highly dislike it.

I don't remember it always being that way. Don't remember feeling that way when I got my license, but I think it happened soon after we were married.

Since my husband doesn't drive - and never has - I take him everywhere. Every doctor's appointment, every meeting, every athletic event. Any time he leaves the house, I'm the one driving him.

It doesn't help that we live in a small town without stores around.

Grocery store, Target, Walgreens, Home Depot, McDonald's, movie theater? Almost 20 miles. Doctor's office? Up to 40 miles, depending on the doctor.

When I was a stay at home wife, first pregnant and terribly sick, I had to drive him several miles to work. I clearly remember heaving in the driveway as he waited for me to get in the car and get driving so he wouldn't be late for work.

When I had internal bleeding with my first ectopic pregnancy and had to get to the hospital ASAP, I drove myself.

There have been times I've had to drive him 45 miles to a conference, turn around and drive the 45 miles back, then another 10 miles so I can get to work before 7:30 AM.

I've driven every family vacation. 10 hours to the Oregon Coast, only to have to lie down and close my eyes from having such a headache. When we've traveled, my husband and daughter have gone to dinner without me more times than I can count.

27 years of being the sole driver and chauffeur for two different people (three if you count my daughter) wears on a person.

But on the trip we took this week, my daughter helped out with the driving. I was shocked at the difference it makes when someone else is driving. Usually driving long hours with no one to relieve me is so exhausting, but being a passenger for a bit of the time was sure a nice respite.

And I found out what it is like to be a sightseer.

Exercise update: 96 consecutive days. No bike mileage report - it plummeted because several days were spent swimming instead.

Day 141 of 365

My husband watches food shows on the Travel Channel and the Food Network. Those shows where the host travels around, going to different restaurants, learning how to cook the signature items. We've even been to some of the places shown on some of the programs. Even made Coney Island dogs back on Day 18, and a pulled pork, coleslaw, and fries sandwich on Day 71.

I half halfheartedly watch the shows. One show I saw had a restaurant making chicken fried steak.

Chicken fried steak is on the Deb-doesn't-eat-it list. I've tried several things on the Deb-doesn't-eat-it list that went quickly back to the top of it. Escargot. Deep fried alligator. Soft shell crab.

Shrimp used to be on that list, too. Many years ago at the state fair I tried some spicy Cajun shrimp and have been a fan of shrimp ever since.

My husband and daughter love chicken fried steak. There is a restaurant in town that serves it and they have occasionally ordered it. No tasting from that plate for me. When our daughter was old enough to gamble and we went to the casino, either one of them would order it there, too. (And it was huge there - a whole platter full.) Still no tasting for me.

But after I watched that particular show making chicken fried steak, I made my mind up to try it. No gravy for me, though.

I tried it at the local restaurant when my husband was out of town. (Didn't want anyone to know that I was giving in.) It was okay, but not great. Tried it at the casino one time, too. Even better.

And this time at the casino, a must-have. Yummy platter-sized chicken fried steak, without gravy. Delicious, but too much for one person alone.

Even my husband and daughter split theirs, all smothered in gravy. (The picture is just half a serving.)

Day 140 of 365

We've gotten around to celebrating my birthday. At the casino.

After chickening out at the casino on Day 118 it was time to try it again. This time I didn't go alone. And I hope this time I'll stay put. I've never called off a family trip, never made people go home early, so I know I'll be sticking it out this time.

No worries about gambling alone - I have the pool to retreat to. I haven't been swimming since we went to the mountains on Day 52. And boy, do I love to swim. (It might even be a nice break from riding the exercise bike every day.)

We left home first thing in the morning, picked up our daughter on the way, and are making a trip of it. We're able to take advantage of our free room and food comps. We even got a free upgrade to a suite. We've never stayed in a suite before so it makes it extra special. Bedroom, living room, bar/kitchen area, two bathrooms and even two balconies! And our casino host unexpectedly had a birthday cake delivered to our room to help us celebrate.

I'm glad I took the plunge.

Literally.