Day 120 of 365

I understand that if my prescription runs out early for any reason my provider will not prescribe extra medication for me. I will have to wait until the next prescription is due, even if this means my going through withdrawals. I also understand that going through withdrawals is uncomfortable, but not life threatening.


I also understand that prescriptions will not be changed without me returning the rest of my original prescription to the office for identification, counting, and disposal.


I agree to periodic unscheduled drug screens regardless as to whether or not it is covered by my insurance.


I understand that I may become dependent on opioid medications, which in a small number of patients may lead to addiction. If addiction occurs, the medication will be discontinued and I will be referred to a drug treatment program for help.

Just a few of the things I had to sign off on today when I made my first visit to the pain clinic.

The previous doctor had declared I had reached "maximum medical improvement" and that I'd be on pain meds the rest of my life. A while back I took myself off all pain meds and don't want to go back to the meds (or that doctor). I was hopeful a specialty clinic might have some options for me. As I found out today, the options for a chronic back condition like mine are limited. Physical therapy. (Already done that for almost a year for the back.) Injections in the spine. (No thank you, not again.) Why am I not surprised - especially after having to sign off on a list of 20 different drug-related understandings before I could see the doctor - that the best option might be pain medication? (Please, no.)

I have some thinking to do, the doctor has an MRI to check out, and then I may have to make a choice soon. Or, since I'm not happy with the options, refrain from making any choice.

In other sucky news, I was weighed today and have lost a total of one (yes, only 1) pound since Day 83. I don't eat sugar anymore, I've cut down on my portion sizes and cut out snacks, and I ride the exercise bike each and every day and have lost a total of one whole pound. I haven't researched whether weight gain is a side effect of some of my medications, but it has to be. How can someone work so hard for so little?

In non-sucky news, I finished another baby quilt.

Day 119 of 365

I need to give myself a break. Talking about this "confidence" issue I'm thinking it might not be a confidence issue after all.

My mom called after she read yesterday's blog and was concerned that I might be having a panic attack. Not even close. The way I felt about going away to the casino by myself is the same thing I feel about going to the grocery store, the doctor's office, and even going up the stairs at school.

They're all energy-drainers.

Packing and upacking. Pumping gas. Getting changed into a swimsuit and walking to the pool at the hotel. Having to load a grocery cart, unload the cart onto the belt, load the groceries in the car, bring them up the stairs into the kitchen and putting them away. Having to drive 30 miles to the doctor then having to go to the lab for tests.

I have to talk myself into just about anything that involves leaving the house.

As I was talking to my mom about the whole I can't figure out why I came home right away thing, I realized I'm just tired. I'm always tired. Not sleepy tired, but fatigue tired. Always. With my medical issues and the medications I'm taking it's to be expected.

If it is fatigue, is that an excuse not to leave the house? I don't know if I'd rather be in a constant state of fatigue or be lacking confidence.

I think that's why I turn to quilting so much. It's something I can do that doesn't wear me out as much. I can do it quietly, slowly, and at my own pace.

And why I keep taking pictures. Another lightning storm last night.