Thursday, June 2, 2011

Day 92 of 365

I keep drawing these lines in the sand. And I keep moving them.

First it was the handicapped placard for the car. Long before I had my knee replacement the joint had deteriorated to bone on bone. I went more than a year that way, limping and in a lot of pain. Even going from the parking lot into the doctor's office was tough. Once in a while I would make some comment about how parking in the handicap spot might help some.

But I had no intention of ever doing that. I drew a line in the sand. In no way would I ever get a handicapped placard. I am not handicapped. I will not ever consider myself bad enough to park in one of those spots.

Except the pain kept getting worse and worse. And the walk from the car to the doctor's office, or the grocery store, or work, became more and more painful.

So with the encouragement of my family, I got up the nerve to talk to the doctor about it. The line in the sand was moved when the doctor said, based on my knee, that I absolutely needed one.

When it arrived in the mail, I again drew a line in the sand when I refused to use it.

More pain, more difficulty in walking, and the insistence from my daughter that I use it. So I started to park in the handicapped spot - only sometimes - thus moving the line again.

Then I drew a line in the sand about using a cane. Nope, never will I use a cane at work. If I'm that bad off, I'll quit working. Except I had things to do at work. And as the bones began to wear down more and more my leg started to become deformed.

I had to use a cane to get me around. Moved the line.

Then came the shots for arthritis. Would I ever give myself my own shots? Nope, never. I'm drawing the line there, doctor.

Two months ago my pain, swelling, and stiffness was keeping me from being functional and I was desperate. There goes another line moved.

Thank goodness it's a prefilled syringe that I push down and click, so there's no looking at the needle. There's no way I could ever give myself a shot where I had to measure it myself and watch the needle go in. That is definitely my very last line in the sand. I will not budge.

But that line has been crossed. I give myself weekly injections of Methotrexate. I have to measure it, I have to watch the needle go in.

I can't believe it's come to this. I can't believe this is my life.

I can't believe I have to, in addition to all of the other medications I take, do this. Do this to be able to get out of bed. To be able to type. To be able to tie my shoes, ride an exercise bike, open a jar. To just get through the day.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Day 91 of 365

I have to take back the statement I made last week. I had written that I wasn't really into birds all that much.

But I think I am becoming a bird person.

After the goldfinch on Day 81, the kissing goldfinches on Day 83, the red winged blackbird from Day 85, and the multiple bird encounters from Day 87 how can I not?

Then add in this one hummingbird that keeps hanging around that is pushing me into the bird watching territory. It's out the front window, out the window when I'm at the computer, and out the bedroom window. We hadn't been able to figure out where she's going (or more importantly where her nest is). We have a hummingbird that returns every year to a nest near our garden, but she has not returned this year so we've been getting a bit worried. We hope it's the same one but have been disappointed with no nesting.

So when a hummingbird link came up on the quilting board site that I visit, I clicked on it. A live hummingbird nest, complete with two tic tac sized eggs. Maybe this live camera of a hummingbird sitting on her eggs and fluffing her nest would be a good substitute for not seeing our hummingbird nesting.

The website also had a live loon camera from Minnesota. On and off for the last two days my daughter and I have sat watching baby loons breaking out of their shells, being cared for by their parents, and riding on the backs of mom and dad. Last night we went to bed worried because one of the babies had gone off into the lake in the dark. Alas, this morning all was okay as baby was back. Such drama! But we've enjoyed checking on the little ones throughout the day.

Then, to top it off, we finally found a nesting hummingbird here at home. Have a seat at our patio table and look straight up. You'll see a momma bringing in some fluff and building an ever-so-soft nest. Can't wait for the babies!

Yep, I'm a birdwatcher now.