Day 59 of 365

Well yesterday was an exciting day with the weather. The snow, then the rain, then the cold wind. Now today it is sunny and cold, but they're predicting 70 degrees by Monday.

70 degrees. From snow on Friday to 70 on Monday. We haven't even had 70 degrees yet this year.

But my snowy tulip picture had its own excitement yesterday. Along with being on the Boise NBC station at noon, it also showed up on the 5:00 News, and the 6:00 News, and the 10:00 News. When I posted the picture I didn't use my name, so in all cases I wasn't credited. But that's even better for me. As I'm looking to get myself out of my what is wrong with me and why doesn't the pain get any better hole, anything I can do and share with others - without receiving credit - works in my favor.

Actually, I've always liked the behind-the-scenes kind of work.

Even though I've taught kids and adults, done trainings for a large textbook company, and done consulting in school districts, my favorite type of work is the kind where I don't have to present, teach, or be the one with all the answers. I'd much rather create the PowerPoint presentation as opposed to presenting it. Writing the grant instead of implementing it. Making the quilt, not going to the hospital to deliver it.

Someone that I mailed some of my fabric pieces to recently apologized for not thanking me when she received them. My response was, "I don't do these things to get a thank you. I just do it because it's a nice thing to do."

I'm not sure I've always held that belief. My career used to be my life. I defined myself by it. I worked way too hard, devoted too many hours, and invested too much of myself in what I did (instead of who I was), and spent most of the last 17 years under constant pressure and stress (some of which was self-inflicted) . I wasn't appreciative of what I had or of the people around me - I was too busy doing it all.

But now that I have time to breathe (and to heal), I know the way I need to live my life has changed. No more fast tracks (which got me nowhere). The need to be on top, to be the best, to be perfect, is slowly starting to fade. And that's fine with me.

Years ago I purchased a book about reinventing yourself. I started reading it again the other day and have realized how far I've come. I used to have dreams of what I wanted my life to be but was too busy working to follow them.

But now, even with the medical issues, I've moved forward on some of those dreams. I wanted to:
*Get healthy. (My food issues aren't solved, but I am still exercising. 13 days in a row!)
*Write everyday (59 days on this blog so far).
*Be able to give to others. (Lots of that going on.)
*Learn how to appreciate what I have. (Downsizing will help with that.)
*Work in the garden each day. (Still too cold, but I'll get there.)

Which leads me back to the tulips. They didn't quite make it unscathed from the snow, but their transformation from yesterday is quite remarkable. I can only hope my transformation will be just as great.

Day 58 of 365

I continued my downsizing today.

I organized my linen closet and realized I had too many towels. I've been keeping them just in case. In case we go swimming (which we don't), in case we have guests (we don't), in case we want to lie in the sun in the grass (which we don't), in case something floods (not yet, knock on wood). I have handtowels, bath towels, bath sheets, beach towels, and towels that my daughter left. Some of the beach towels are over 20 years old and have only been used a few times. I have towels hanging in the bathrooms for decoration. They've never been used for anything but for decoration.

So here's the plan. We love our bath sheets so we have to keep them. A couple of our decoration towels are also bath sheets so they're going in the to-use mix. We only have a couple hand towels and bath towels, so those stay and will be the ones my daughter can use. We'll keep one beach towel. Everything else goes. Most all of the towels are in great shape (being that we rarely used them), so they'll go in the donation box. The couple towels that are raggedy will go in the car washing bucket. (Although I might rethink that one since we rarely wash the car at home, but you never know.)

I also was rethinking the new faucet issue. I wrestled with all the choices at the home improvement store on Wednesday. Even though I complained about all the choices, I wound up getting a new kitchen faucet and two new bathroom faucets. Our kitchen faucet has to be replaced because of the non-fixable drip. But the bathroom faucets? They are old, but still work with no drips. My new faucet choices certainly weren't the newest style or nicest ones out there, but they were newer and nicer than what we have. But - getting new faucets when I don't need them goes against my idea of downsizing and living a more simple life. So back to the store they will go.

I had to rethink one more thing today. A couple days ago when it was a warm 64 degrees, I had cut some tulips and brought them in the house. I was thinking about bringing in some more today to add to the bouquet, but had to change my mind.

It was a you've got to be kidding me kind of moment. And yes, even though it's almost May, that is snow.

And an interesting story about this picture. I posted it on our local news station's website. Imagine my surprise when I was eating lunch, watching the news at noon on TV like I always do, and my picture appeared at the top of the news hour. And appeared (twice) in a story a few minutes later.  

Exercise update: 12 for 12.

Day 57 of 365

Thursdays just aren't good days for me. It takes everything I have just to get out of bed. I'm slow, I'm tired, I don't feel well. As I look back on my Thursday posts at what I've written (and what I've left out), there's been a pattern. A pattern of feeling icky.

I've been so hard on myself on these Thursdays thinking it was a lack of motivation on my part. But as I think about it more - and notice that my worst days of the week wind up being the same couple days - I'm pretty sure it's a medication issue.

I take my Methotrexate (that's the chemotherapy drug) on Wednesday nights. And on Thursdays I feel horrible.

It's sad that I take all these meds and don't know all the side effects. So upon further research, I found out that some of the common Methotrexate side effects are: Chills and fever; dizziness; flushing; general body discomfort; hair loss; headache; itching; lowered resistance to infection; nausea; sensitivity to sunlight; sore throat; speech impairment; stomach pain; unusual tiredness.

Hmm, a connection maybe?

I don't like being sick and don't like excuses. I want to be productive, move forward in my "process" (whatever that means) and make sure each day counts. But some days -  like today - feel like they aren't going to count.

So I did what I do when I just can't function. I organize something sitting down.

Today I organized my fabric closet. Something I don't have to think about, just do. I love the way it looks, and it gave me a chance to go through things in there and get rid of some things I just don't love anymore. (Although I do believe I will use up all my fabric and won't have to make the tough decision to get rid of it.)

I'm sending off some quilt blocks as a Pay It Forward and have a box of other things for donation.

The downsizing has begun.

And an exercise update: Hard to do, but I'm 11 for 11. 

Day 56 of 365

I think the problem with so many people (us included) having too many things might have something to do with too many choices. Too many choices make things more complicated.

Like TV shows. Even though I might make a comment about a TV show here or there, I'm not a big TV watcher. Very rarely do I sit down and watch. I have it on in the kitchen at breakfast and lunch, and when I'm sewing I have the TV on. Some days I spend several hours sewing, so I have several hours of programming I'm listening to.

But it's bits and pieces of programs. In a week, I might have seen parts of retro shows like Marcus Welby, Emergency, All in the Family, or the Cosby Show. Talk shows like Oprah, Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, The Doctors, Regis and Kelly, Wendy Williams, The View, Maury, Watch What Happens Live. Reality shows like Real Housewives of Orange County and Real Housewives of New York City, Deadliest Catch, Extreme Couponing, Sister Wives, Hoarders, Tabatha's Salon Takeover, Intervention, Millionaire Matchmaker, Heavy, Relapse, American Chopper, Bethenny Ever After, Swamp People. Comedies like The Office and Everybody Loves Raymond. The Local and National News. Court shows like Divorce Court and Judge Joe Brown. Food shows like Paula Deen, Diners Drive Ins and Dives, Cupcake Wars, Man v. Food, Anthony Bourdain, Iron Chef America.

But like anyone else who has cable and has multiple channels, it's like nothing is on. But in reality, too much is on. Can't stay with one show because there might be another one on another channel that might be better.

Just like the stuff that occupies our houses. We have a toaster, but see one we like better. We don't need a new set of dishes, but these would be good for summer entertaining. And that lamp is on sale. Might as well get that, too. We clutter our houses with the next best and brightest thing.

At what point are we satisfied? And at what point do we stop buying and start purging? And why are there so many darned choices?

Like faucets, too. We've had a leaky faucet in our kitchen for quite some time. A few weeks back when our daughter was home, we had her help us gut out the faucet and replace the inner workings. Thirty bucks later, our faucet still dripped. So today I decided to take some of our gambling winnings from back on Day 22 to buy a new kitchen faucet. Not top of the line, just something similar to what we had.  And since we were going to have to call the plumber to have it put in, we figured we might as well replace two of our old, outdated bathroom faucets. Again, didn't want top of the line, just something that will look decent.

But the home improvement store didn't exactly make it easy to make a choice. An entire row - from one end to the other - just of faucets. They were nice and all, but do we really need all those choices?

And an exercise update: 10 for 10. I've been doing the exercise bike each day and alternating shoulder days. Don't dread it as much as I did the first couple days. But I'm sure I'll hit a wall at some point.

Day 55 of 365

I've been thinking about downsizing lately. Yes, our house is too big for us now, but it's more than that.

I've been reading about these people who try and cut down their possessions to 100 items per person. People like Kelly at My Simple Walk. I've wondered if that's something feasible for us. Not necessarily cut it to 100, but cut it down drastically.

Over the course of our marriage, we have accumulated more than we need. Really, how many towels, plastic containers, or pairs of socks do two people need?

We've never been about keeping up with the Joneses, though. We've always been a one car family and we went years before we got the internet. Even more years before we bought a cell phone, and only in the last couple years have we even gotten debit cards, and just last year our first new TV in 20 years.

But still we have more than 100 items just in one room. More than 100 books, for sure. More than 100 pieces of clothing each. My husband probably has close to 100 ties. I certainly have more than 100 cookie cutters and more than 100 yards of fabric.

If we really think about it, we don't need most of what we have. When we traveled cross-country tent camping along the way, we didn't use half of what we took. And we didn't take a lot. So I know we can live on less. So the question becomes, if we truly want to cut down our possessions, what could we permanently get rid of?

As much as I love some of my things, if I had to I could part with:
*My salt and pepper collection
*All teaching materials/books
*Fabric (hopefully I use it up before I have to make that decision)
*Most of my books - quilting and others
*Most of my clothes

Or, even more importantly, what would I keep?

At this point, my non-negotiable must-keep list includes:
*My sewing basket
*Photos - either the photo albums, or all the pictures on CDs, or some option
*My wedding ring
*A laptop computer
*One lamp
*Both our recliners
*Two plates, bowls, cups, forks, spoons, and one knife
*Bed and one set of bedding
*Table and two chairs
*KitchenAid mixer (but if I gave up baking, maybe it could go?)
*Three pair of shoes each
*One hammer, screwdriver, drill, and wrench

It may be a trend or the "in thing" to downsize or live a simpler lifestyle, but it's something I'm considering doing. It wouldn't hurt us to move toward fewer items.

I'm glad the gardens don't count. My favorite tulips are blooming, and I would certainly miss them if I didn't get them in the spring. Anyway, isn't nature part of a simpler lifestyle?

And an exercise update: 9 for 9.

Day 54 of 365

I've been having a lot of bad dreams lately. Every single night. Several a night. And almost every one is about the same thing.

School.

Consciously I'm thinking about school every few days or so, but subconsciously I must be really worried. It makes sense.

It was close to a year ago when I asked for a year's leave of absence. I had missed a lot of work during the year because of my back and I was still on sick leave from my knee replacement. I was spending 2 1/2 hours a day at physical therapy with a knee session and then a back session. But such problems with the back. For many months I had been taking several pain pills a day, had multiple injections in my spine, and had eight months of therapy - all with no improvement. "Maximum medical improvement" is what the doctor called it. It'll never get better. And taking that many pills, in that much pain, and still trying to function at work was, well, miserable. Impossible.

Looking back, I should have asked for a leave of absence earlier. At this time last year I was both mentally and physically broken.  I didn't know if I was going to make it through another day, let alone make it through another day of work. So I asked for a leave of absence for a year, and off I went with no paycheck, no unemployment, no employer provided health insurance, hoping that by taking better care of my back - and myself - I would be raring to go when the year was up.

It hasn't quite worked out that way. I spent most of this year off healing from my two shoulder surgeries. And trying to get a better hold on this rheumatoid arthritis. And still trying to heal the back.

I have made progress on the back. I'm still in as much pain as before, but I now know what I can and can't do. What makes it worse (most common everyday things that involve standing or bending) and what makes it better (my good old lift chair). But the biggest change in the back situation is that I am now completely off the pain medicine. Over the past year, I've slowly weaned myself off the 4-7 Vicodin a day I was taking. (What kind of doctor sends a patient out the door with that kind of prescription?)

My year long absence is about up. There might (or might not) be a job for me. No full time position for sure, but possibly a part time position. But maybe not even that. With the continued budget cuts in our school district, my position may (or may not) be eliminated. And I think that's where the bad dreams are coming in.

It's the not knowing that's the worst. I left all my things in my office last year thinking I would be returning. If I'm not going back, my stuff has to come home. I look at everything I have in the office, which is now being used for working with groups of kids. Things have been moved all over the place, but most of the furniture, binders, books, and training materials all belong to me. Bringing it home and storing it isn't a pleasant prospect. Walking away from it isn't an option either.

Although it wasn't a bad dream when I visited school today. After reading my blog about me missing my Peeps this Easter, someone had some for me. (Thanks Jan!) And the gal I gave the Elton John tickets to - she gave me some very nice gifts as a thank you - and Peeps were even included, too. (Thanks, Marcie!)

But what to do about the bad dreams? I guess just wait until I get the word and hope the dreams subside. But to box up all the stuff in this office and bring it home? And move the furniture back home? The furniture that couldn't even fit in the picture? Talk about a bad dream...

And a physical therapy/exercise update: 8 for 8.

Day 53 of 365

Now that the body had gone kaput, I don't see the sunrise as much as I used to.

I love the time just before the sun comes up in the morning. When we'd travel, we'd take off in the dark and be a hundred or so miles down the road before daybreak. Back when I walked every morning, I'd leave the house in the dark and return just before the sun came up. It made me feel like I was starting the day right. I've taken a few pictures of sunrises, and even have had some shown on a Boise TV station a few years back during their morning show.

I also have taken pictures of sunsets. Lots of sunsets. But all of those sunsets have been of the sun setting over the water. Oregon Coast, Florida Coast, Alaska, Hawaii. I enjoy the colors, the reflections off the water, and the sun as it disappears below the horizon of the oceans. Now that we've halted our travels (other than our little Spring Break mini getaway and this husband-wife weekend we're on), I don't see many sunsets either. The sun setting at our house sets over a building. Not exactly something noteworthy or special.

But on this Easter Sunday, I do have a noteworthy sunset picture from McCall. It's probably the only sunset picture I've taken that is not over water. There may not be any reflection off the water, but there sure is a reflection off the sky.

I've never quite seen a sunset like this one. I'm not sure what accounts for the shine in the sky, but it was spectacular.

Happy Easter to all.

  
And a physical therapy/exercise update: 7 for 7.