Day 143 of 365

It occurred to me as I was swimming in the pool the other day that life as I know it is about to change.

In the next two weeks:
*I have to go back to the pain clinic and decide if pain meds are the answer.
*My mom is leaving California and moving back here. And moving into the apartment with my daughter.
*I go back to the gastroenterologist and find out if surgery is forthcoming. (I don't think so.)
*I go back to work.

Amidst all that,
*My husband is going away to a conference for a week.
*He has a birthday.
*We celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary.

When I was swimming in that pool, I realized it probably was the last time I would get some freedom. The last time I could truly relax.

Summer is over, school is beginning.

And I'm still not sure how I feel about that. As much as I've been living day to day, I'm afraid I'm starting to think too much about the future.

Not intentionally. It's happening in my dreams again, just like on Day 54. Bad dreams about not getting enough done at work, not thinking things through and making mistakes at work. Dreams about forgetting all this personal growth work I've done in the last few months.

In my most recent dream I was telling someone that as soon as I think about school/work, I get a knot in my stomach.

It may have been a dream, but the more I think about it, the more I realize it's true.

I feel it happening already. After several rounds of work-related phone calls and e-mails this past week, I feel the knot in the stomach starting.

Spending today in the gardens and in the sewing room helped untie the knot, especially when we came across this.

Our first green bell pepper of the season.

Day 142 of 365

I don't like to drive. Highly dislike it.

I don't remember it always being that way. Don't remember feeling that way when I got my license, but I think it happened soon after we were married.

Since my husband doesn't drive - and never has - I take him everywhere. Every doctor's appointment, every meeting, every athletic event. Any time he leaves the house, I'm the one driving him.

It doesn't help that we live in a small town without stores around.

Grocery store, Target, Walgreens, Home Depot, McDonald's, movie theater? Almost 20 miles. Doctor's office? Up to 40 miles, depending on the doctor.

When I was a stay at home wife, first pregnant and terribly sick, I had to drive him several miles to work. I clearly remember heaving in the driveway as he waited for me to get in the car and get driving so he wouldn't be late for work.

When I had internal bleeding with my first ectopic pregnancy and had to get to the hospital ASAP, I drove myself.

There have been times I've had to drive him 45 miles to a conference, turn around and drive the 45 miles back, then another 10 miles so I can get to work before 7:30 AM.

I've driven every family vacation. 10 hours to the Oregon Coast, only to have to lie down and close my eyes from having such a headache. When we've traveled, my husband and daughter have gone to dinner without me more times than I can count.

27 years of being the sole driver and chauffeur for two different people (three if you count my daughter) wears on a person.

But on the trip we took this week, my daughter helped out with the driving. I was shocked at the difference it makes when someone else is driving. Usually driving long hours with no one to relieve me is so exhausting, but being a passenger for a bit of the time was sure a nice respite.

And I found out what it is like to be a sightseer.

Exercise update: 96 consecutive days. No bike mileage report - it plummeted because several days were spent swimming instead.

Day 141 of 365

My husband watches food shows on the Travel Channel and the Food Network. Those shows where the host travels around, going to different restaurants, learning how to cook the signature items. We've even been to some of the places shown on some of the programs. Even made Coney Island dogs back on Day 18, and a pulled pork, coleslaw, and fries sandwich on Day 71.

I half halfheartedly watch the shows. One show I saw had a restaurant making chicken fried steak.

Chicken fried steak is on the Deb-doesn't-eat-it list. I've tried several things on the Deb-doesn't-eat-it list that went quickly back to the top of it. Escargot. Deep fried alligator. Soft shell crab.

Shrimp used to be on that list, too. Many years ago at the state fair I tried some spicy Cajun shrimp and have been a fan of shrimp ever since.

My husband and daughter love chicken fried steak. There is a restaurant in town that serves it and they have occasionally ordered it. No tasting from that plate for me. When our daughter was old enough to gamble and we went to the casino, either one of them would order it there, too. (And it was huge there - a whole platter full.) Still no tasting for me.

But after I watched that particular show making chicken fried steak, I made my mind up to try it. No gravy for me, though.

I tried it at the local restaurant when my husband was out of town. (Didn't want anyone to know that I was giving in.) It was okay, but not great. Tried it at the casino one time, too. Even better.

And this time at the casino, a must-have. Yummy platter-sized chicken fried steak, without gravy. Delicious, but too much for one person alone.

Even my husband and daughter split theirs, all smothered in gravy. (The picture is just half a serving.)

Day 140 of 365

We've gotten around to celebrating my birthday. At the casino.

After chickening out at the casino on Day 118 it was time to try it again. This time I didn't go alone. And I hope this time I'll stay put. I've never called off a family trip, never made people go home early, so I know I'll be sticking it out this time.

No worries about gambling alone - I have the pool to retreat to. I haven't been swimming since we went to the mountains on Day 52. And boy, do I love to swim. (It might even be a nice break from riding the exercise bike every day.)

We left home first thing in the morning, picked up our daughter on the way, and are making a trip of it. We're able to take advantage of our free room and food comps. We even got a free upgrade to a suite. We've never stayed in a suite before so it makes it extra special. Bedroom, living room, bar/kitchen area, two bathrooms and even two balconies! And our casino host unexpectedly had a birthday cake delivered to our room to help us celebrate.

I'm glad I took the plunge.

Literally.

Day 139 of 365

These last couple days have been spent in the rose garden.

While I wish I could report that the roses are continuing to flourish, I can't.

Every year our rose garden goes through cycles. It blooms nonstop for several weeks, then takes a break.

This year our first official bloom came on June 7 (Day 97). All the bushes have bloomed incessantly since then and I've taken plenty of pictures.

But it was obvious it was starting to wind down when I had a hard time finding buds for my birthday cake a couple days back.

And after a week of windstorms and heavy rain, the rose garden looks like it has closed up shop for a bit.

It'll be back, but it's sad to see it go for now. It doesn't look quite the same as it did just a couple weeks ago on July 5 (Day 125).

Day 138 of 365

When I was in high school biology we did tests of our taste buds to see the reaction to sweet, salty, sour, and bitter. For me, bitter was bad. Horrible. The results of the experiment deemed me to have more bitter taste buds than most people.

I have to agree with that. Broccoli, cauliflower, kale? Keep me away. Far away.

While I'm known to throw spinach in my omelet, occasionally put very finely sliced cabbage in my tacos, and have salad on top of my pizza, you'll never find me eating broccoli, cauliflower, and kale. If it came down to those three vegetables and starvation, I think I'd choose starvation.

My husband on the other hand loves all vegetables, hence the vegetable garden this year.

Although now our garden is in a transitional phase. The radishes and peas are done and the broccoli is just about finished up. We didn't plant cauliflower (yay!), but the kale is coming on and he's already picked one head of cabbage. The corn is beginning to tassel and the potatoes are almost finished with their blooming. The pumpkin vines are huge with enormous orange blossoms (some of which are beginning to become pumpkins).

But an all time record for our garden occurred today. For on this day, July 18th, is the earliest we've ever picked a tomato. Thanks to being able to start our tomatoes in the greenhouse at the high school, we have three beefsteak tomatoes.

And thanks to my husband eating one before I could even get my camera out, I was only able to get a picture of two of them (with just a small chunk of #3 remaining).

Day 137 of 365

Today is my birthday.

I don't like birthdays. Actually, it's my own birthday I don't like. I like celebrating other peoples birthdays, just not my own.

Some years it's because I don't like getting older. Some years it's because I think about what I haven't done in life. Some years it's because in the middle of summer it is usually too hot to do anything. Some years it's because I've wasted my summer away. And some years it's because of something stupid, childish, and petty.

Presents.

Every year for my daughter and my husband's birthdays, Father's Day, and Christmas, I go big. I make sure everyone has everything they would ever need and then some. I want celebration days to be days where they feel special. I look for things they might want or need months ahead and hold onto them until the special day.

But it doesn't work that way for presents for me. They usually buy gifts last minute (although that's not the biggest complaint). The biggest issue is they won't buy me anything unless it's on a list. If it's on a list, I'll probably get it. If it's not on a list, forget about it. Last year I asked for some potholders, gift cards to the places I like to bargain shop (like Target) and a DVD of The Office TV show. Unfortunately I had also mentioned when we were repainting our porch last summer that it would be easier to smooth out the rough spots if we had an electric sander.

So for my birthday last year I got 7 potholders, all the same, all in separate bags, and a electric sander. The sander is still in the box, never used. I eventually went and bought my own DVD off of ebay.

Christmas is the same way. I won't get anything if it's not on a list. When we open gifts, we take turns. Daughter, husband, me. Daughter, husband, me. For the last 25+ years, I have been the one sitting watching everyone else open gift after gift after gift (since I run out of presents after about number six).

At some point I'll get smart and start making a bigger list. But I like the idea of being surprised on a birthday or Christmas. I like the idea of buying things that surprise others. If everyone only got what was on a list, where is the fun in that?

But this year I'm not worrying about getting older. This year I'm not worried about what I haven't done in life. This year it is hot, but not too hot. This year I know I haven't wasted my summer away. And this year I'm not caring so much about presents.

There won't even be presents today anyway. Our daughter is working all day today so we won't be "officially" celebrating today - that will come later this week.

We are having a cake today, though. A cake my husband baked and decorated. I guided him through as he made the cake and the homemade buttercream frosting. I taught him how to color the frosting and some basic cake decorating techniques. I clipped some of our rose buds from the garden for the center.

He's quite proud of his work. As am I. Don't think I could have done a better job myself.

Having a husband make you a cake is a great present!