Day 122 of 365

I really am not interested in taking a break from making the baby quilts for charity. I do enjoy it quite a bit. There are a couple other sewing projects I want to work on, too. I'm not sure I'll be doing any more quilts or those other projects anytime soon.

There's a little problem with the gardens and the house.

The garden problem is an obvious one. We had to let the high school kid we hired to help us around the yard go and our daughter hasn't been home much. My husband doesn't like a schedule or responsibilities in the summer and with my back (and other body parts) being on the fritz, it's getting difficult to keep up with the weeds and the rose pruning. But the gardens are in desperate need of some attention so I'm going to have to spend more time out there when I can.

The house is just as big a problem.

I've really slacked on the cleaning. I'm not a clutter person, so it's not like there are dishes in the sink or clothes or books or magazines all around. It's the cleaning part. The mopping, the scrubbing the toilets and sinks, the vacuuming, the washing of the windows. Physically it's been tough to do those things for quite some time. And again, our daughter hasn't been around much to help out. When I was working we used to have a cleaning lady come once a week, but that was because we just didn't have much time to clean. But now it's not about the time, it's about the ability to do the work. And having the cleaning lady come back wouldn't make good financial sense.

So now the gardens and the housecleaning need to take priority over the sewing. It's a priority I'm not sure I can maintain. I already tried giving up the sewing on Day 80 and that time it only lasted until Day 96. We'll see how long it lasts this time.

I will certainly miss my time in the sewing room and miss turning out quilt after quilt. I finally finished up the last of my charity baby quilts to send out to Quilts for Kids today. I'll be sending off five quilts to them. I made two from my own fabrics on Day 101 and Day 107 and three from their free fabric kits on Day 120, Day 121, and today.

Day 121 of 365

I came oh-so-close to giving up yesterday.

After that darn pain clinic appointment I was tempted to stop by and pick up something really greasy and salty for dinner like Carl's Jr.

But I didn't.

When I got home I was tempted to make something really big and unhealthy for dinner.

But I didn't.

I was very tempted to make a batch of cookies and eat my heart out.

But I didn't.

I was tempted to give up the bike riding for the day and break my consecutive days of riding record.

But I didn't.

Instead, I
*rode the bike.
*went into my sewing room and got to work finishing up yesterday's quilt.
*started on another baby quilt.
*boxed up some fabrics to give away to a lady in Minnesota who makes lap quilts and wheelchair and walker bags for veterans.

And today, I
*mailed that box of fabrics.
*rode my bike - a little over 20 miles total for the week. My exercise streak is now up to 75 consecutive days!
*finished another quilt.

Day 120 of 365

I understand that if my prescription runs out early for any reason my provider will not prescribe extra medication for me. I will have to wait until the next prescription is due, even if this means my going through withdrawals. I also understand that going through withdrawals is uncomfortable, but not life threatening.


I also understand that prescriptions will not be changed without me returning the rest of my original prescription to the office for identification, counting, and disposal.


I agree to periodic unscheduled drug screens regardless as to whether or not it is covered by my insurance.


I understand that I may become dependent on opioid medications, which in a small number of patients may lead to addiction. If addiction occurs, the medication will be discontinued and I will be referred to a drug treatment program for help.

Just a few of the things I had to sign off on today when I made my first visit to the pain clinic.

The previous doctor had declared I had reached "maximum medical improvement" and that I'd be on pain meds the rest of my life. A while back I took myself off all pain meds and don't want to go back to the meds (or that doctor). I was hopeful a specialty clinic might have some options for me. As I found out today, the options for a chronic back condition like mine are limited. Physical therapy. (Already done that for almost a year for the back.) Injections in the spine. (No thank you, not again.) Why am I not surprised - especially after having to sign off on a list of 20 different drug-related understandings before I could see the doctor - that the best option might be pain medication? (Please, no.)

I have some thinking to do, the doctor has an MRI to check out, and then I may have to make a choice soon. Or, since I'm not happy with the options, refrain from making any choice.

In other sucky news, I was weighed today and have lost a total of one (yes, only 1) pound since Day 83. I don't eat sugar anymore, I've cut down on my portion sizes and cut out snacks, and I ride the exercise bike each and every day and have lost a total of one whole pound. I haven't researched whether weight gain is a side effect of some of my medications, but it has to be. How can someone work so hard for so little?

In non-sucky news, I finished another baby quilt.

Day 119 of 365

I need to give myself a break. Talking about this "confidence" issue I'm thinking it might not be a confidence issue after all.

My mom called after she read yesterday's blog and was concerned that I might be having a panic attack. Not even close. The way I felt about going away to the casino by myself is the same thing I feel about going to the grocery store, the doctor's office, and even going up the stairs at school.

They're all energy-drainers.

Packing and upacking. Pumping gas. Getting changed into a swimsuit and walking to the pool at the hotel. Having to load a grocery cart, unload the cart onto the belt, load the groceries in the car, bring them up the stairs into the kitchen and putting them away. Having to drive 30 miles to the doctor then having to go to the lab for tests.

I have to talk myself into just about anything that involves leaving the house.

As I was talking to my mom about the whole I can't figure out why I came home right away thing, I realized I'm just tired. I'm always tired. Not sleepy tired, but fatigue tired. Always. With my medical issues and the medications I'm taking it's to be expected.

If it is fatigue, is that an excuse not to leave the house? I don't know if I'd rather be in a constant state of fatigue or be lacking confidence.

I think that's why I turn to quilting so much. It's something I can do that doesn't wear me out as much. I can do it quietly, slowly, and at my own pace.

And why I keep taking pictures. Another lightning storm last night.