Day 800

How appropriate that on a milestone day - Day 800 - that a quote is on my mind. A quote from Thoreau, but also a line from the movie Dead's Poet Society.

"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life."

As I've been coming to terms with this new diagnosis, I've decided to have a much better attitude than I've had with the arthritis. It's not all that hard. If I can handle 10 years of constant pain, I can certainly handle this. Yes, my life will revolve around a scooter. But it is time to swallow my pride and just do it.

I'm ready to live deliberately and suck out all the marrow of life. I have some more responsibilities at work next year and am excited about it. I'm clearing things out of the house like crazy and am excited about it. I have quilts planned and new books planned and am excited about it. I have a trip planned with hubby, daughter, and boyfriend and am excited about it.

As to quote another movie line from Dead Poet's Society, carpe diem! (Which means "seize the day", but should mean "my scooter arrived today.")

Day 799

Have you ever had a doctor call you personally to tell you test results? My pulmonary specialist did today. So yes, paralyzed diaphragm, yes there will be a significant lifestyle impact, no it will never get better, yes the oxygen monitor I wore the other night show my oxygen level drops way too low, no the insurance won't cover the oxygen machine I need unless I have a sleep study and then use a CPAP machine first. No, no problems with bloodwork. Oh, and would you like me to call you with the results of the sleep study or would you like to come in and visit about them?

Wow.

After months of trying to get answers, months of doctors and physician assistants and nurses and secretaries dismissing my concerns about not being able to breathe, of not returning calls, and in some cases never letting me know how test results turned out, it sure is a breath of fresh air. (Pun intended!)

Fresh like tulips.

Day 798

I don't know if anyone is in their right mind to make smart decisions at 5 AM, but I went for it. I woke up and decided to kill the garden.

We bought seeds months ago. We had high school kids plant them in the greenhouse. And we waited for me to feel well enough to clean up last year's garden. Clean it up and plant it.

But that "feel well enough" day hasn't appeared. Actually, that's inaccurate. I feel great. Better than I've felt in years. Those infusions have knocked that darn arthritis right out of my system and there is no pain in my body. It has been replaced with a smile on my face and a sparkle in my eye. Every day I'm up early excited for the day.

But I can't move much without losing my air. Heck, I can't even walk to the garden space let alone work in it. Knowing I won't ever be able to catch my breath is what lead me to the decision. The killing of the garden decision.

Although right now it's more of a killing the weeds decision.

Day 797

On a stop at Sonic for lunch (Did you know they had grilled cheese? Yum.) before I headed to another appointment at the hospital I came across this gorgeous tree in bloom. I can't believe now, with almost 800 consecutive days of taking pictures behind me, that things are still awe-inspiring to me.

Life is good, ya know?

Day 796

The fluroscopy test I had on my lungs today confirmed the pulmonary specialist's preliminary diagnosis.

My diaphragm, that muscle that pushes air into and out of my lungs, is paralyzed.

I left the hospital, thinking about life and looking up at the clouds. What else is there to do when you know life will never be the same?