Monday, March 30, 2015

Up to 50+

As I reread yesterday's middle of the night blog post listing things I want to experience before I turn 50 I realized it might appear quite unrealistic and unattainable.

That's fair. 

I'm very aware that some of those things - like seeing penguins in their natural habitat - may not happen (or at least may be extremely difficult to pull off). But I'm completely confident that others - like dog sledding or swimming with the dolphins - will absolutely occur. 

As I read the list I also thought about more experiences I'd like to have. I'm now to over 50 on the list but I figure that will give me some wiggle room in case some can't be arranged. My new additions: 
46. Ride a bike
47. Hike Diamond Head
48. Watch a bear catch a salmon 
49. See the Grand Canyon
50. Go to the ballet
51. Learn karate
52. Ride in a pedicab
53. Jump on a trampoline 

Even started looking at bikes, just in case. Isn't she pretty? If I ever own a bike  I want it to look like this. 


Anxiety or Adrenaline?

When I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t return to sleep it is usually because thoughts race through my head. Typically they are either anxiety-producing irrational thoughts or adrenaline-producing suck-the-marrow thoughts.

Tonight my brain is torn between the two.

The other day I read about someone trying to do 50 things before their 50th birthday. Being I will be turning 50 this year the article led me to start my own list. Things I want to accomplish before turning 50. The great thing about the list is I've already knocked some things off the list over the last few months. The bad thing (actually, a good thing) is that I have a long way to go. In no particular order:

1. Swim in the ocean
2. Walk the Golden Gate Bridge
3. Ride in a helicopter
4. Go dog sledding
5. Visit Iceland
6. Ride a Segway
7. Learn to snorkel
8. Ride a zip line
9. Overcome fear of lizards
10. Go salmon fishing
11. See the Cabo arch
12. Learn to stand up paddle board
13. Swim with the dolphins
14. Walk a half marathon
15. Fly in a seaplane
16. Ride in an outrigger canoe in Hawaii
17. Visit Norway
18. Ride in a race car
19. Walk on a glacier
20. Take a hot air balloon ride
21. Go para sailing
22. Take a long distance train trip
23. Ride a mule
24. Take an air boat ride
25. See the Hollywood sign
26. Shoot a gun
27. Cross the Arctic circle
28. Visit Machu Picchu
29. See penguins in their natural habitat
30. Ride in a zodiac raft
31. Take a Hobie Cat ride
32. Visit Greenland
33. Publish another book
34. Lose 25 pounds
35. Go inside a wind turbine
36. Tackle another suspension bridge
37. Ride a Ferris wheel
38. Take a water aerobics class
39. Learn yoga
40. See the Northern Lights
41. Lie in a hammock on the beach
42. Ride an ATV
43. Tent camp in the woods
44. Live on a cruise ship for a month
45.   Learn to dance

As much as I tried I couldn't get to 50, at least not yet. (Does that mean I’m 45 at heart?) Either way it’s an adrenaline-producing suck-the-marrow somewhat-rational list.

Now for the anxiety-producing thoughts.

Sucking the marrow over these last few months has been expensive and I’m running out of money. Our Marsing house hasn't sold. Hubby isn't working and hasn't yet had a determination about disability. I've quit my job only have a few months left of income.

The two hour commute to work is killing me. The energy left for self-care is limited. My eating habits suffer. I drink too much caffeine, have been eating some carbs and sugar, and am not keeping true to my plan. My exercise habits suffer. I am too pooped to do anything once I get home. I start a great plan of daily walking at work and on weekends, but one day of overdoing it and my joints scream out to stop.

My pillowcase sewing project has netted 45 pillowcases for a local children’s home. Another dozen for a foster home organization. Another 20 to be hand-delivered next month to an orphanage in Honduras. I’m passionate about the project. But my family cut me off. Stopped me from doing more. Arthritis in the neck and looking down to sew isn't working out so well. While I was on the infusions and chemotherapy I could sew longer without an issue. But off the treatments? Not working so well.

Then the suck the marrow adventures make the arthritis flare up big time. A great day of adventure equals a few days of being down and having to take it easy. Life shouldn't be this hard.

My family wants me to cut back. They tell me on a regular basis:
Work from home. 
Cut back on sewing. 
Don’t be so adventurous. 
Take it easy. 
Stop walking. The doctor told you so.
Calm down.
Go back on your arthritis treatments. You need to be able to play with grand kids.

I am so torn. I know in my heart everything will work out. I don’t know how it’ll all work out, but it will. The money will come when it needs to. I may need to go back on my medications (I SO don’t want to) if I want to continue sewing and adventuring.

One single day spent snorkeling in Cabo last week may have made me rethink my life. Maybe it's time to swallow my pride and listen to them. But I can’t give this up. Could you?




Sunday, March 29, 2015

Pillowcase Project in Play

After yesterday's post I realized I've made quite a bit of movement on the 50 by 50 list. And the list keeps evolving.  

1. Swim in the ocean
2. Walk the Golden Gate Bridge
3. Ride in a helicopter
4. Visit Iceland
5. Learn to snorkel
6. Ride a zipline
7. Ride in an outrigger canoe in Hawaii
8. Overcome fear of lizards
9. See the Cabo arch
10. Take a long distance train trip
11. Ride a mule
12. See the Hollywood sign
13. Ride a ferris wheel
14. Ride in a zodiac raft
15. Take a Hobie Cat ride
16. See the Northern Lights
17. Lie in a hammock on the beach
18. See a ballet

19. Visit an orphanage. 

The pillowcase project for an orphanage in Honduras is in play. 

Stay tuned. 


Thursday, March 26, 2015

Notes to Self

Sucking the marrow sure can be rough on the body.

I may not have any broken bones, but I’m battered and bruised. Several days of being tossed around in high surf. (Note to self: You may not be able to read what the warning sign says in Spanish, but when the red flag is up at the beach you probably should stay out of the water.)


A full day of zip lining in Puerto Vallarta. Stretching the shoulders, lifting the legs, flying high over the jungle and river over and over again. (Note to self: Remember to get to those high, long zip lines you will need to hike up multiple steep uneven paths and stairs and your knees might not be happy with you. And don’t forget you only have one lung working. That will really be a problem.)

A mule ride. (Note to self: Mules are amazingly sure-footed over super-steep rocky paths.)

Snorkeling in Cabo San Lucas from a Zodiac raft. Jump out over the side, climb back in. (Note to self: It is a heck of a lot harder getting back into a raft than getting out.)


Bruises up and down my legs, my arms and shoulders, and my hands. Rheumatoid-arthritic joints overused and swollen, leaving extremities numb. (Note to self: That’s the price you pay for working on being a suck-the-marrow adventurous person.)

Rheumatoid arthritis.
One lung.
Two knee replacements.
175 pounds lost.
(Note to self: Remember to keep pushing yourself, but not too much. Know when it’s time to take it easy.)

I’ll take a lesson from the sea lion in Cabo San Lucas. Just hanging out, waiting to the tide to come in. No worries.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Finally Cool in LA


I'm finally cool. 

Flight from Boise to Seattle. Shuttle from airport to hotel. Drop off luggage. Shuttle from hotel to light rail station. Take light rail to downtown Seattle. Spend time around Pike Place Market. Take light rail back to airport. Shuttle back to hotel. Sleep. Shuttle back to light rail station. Take light rail to International District. Walk to Amtrak station. Get on Coast Starlight train, Seattle to Los Angeles. Arrive 35 hours later at Los Angeles Union Station. Take a taxi to hotel. Sleep. Walk to the metro station. Catch redline train to Hollywood and Vine. Spend time looking around Hollywood Walk of Fame. 



Catch hop on hop off bus red line tour. Take tour of LA. 


Transfer to yellow line hop on hop off bus tour. Go to Santa Monica. Walk the pier, have lunch. 



Catch hop on hop off bus to finish yellow line tour. Transfer to redline hop on hop off bus to finish tour of LA. 


Get off at Grauman's Chinese Theater. 



Redline train to LA Union Station. Catch cab back to hotel. Sleep. Take shuttle to cruise ship port. 

Before we left home, I made sure to do my part in giving back. I hand delivered 45 homemade brightly colored pillowcases to a children's home. I thought that was pretty cool. 

Being able to pull off all those travel arrangements without getting lost could be considered a major accomplishment and maybe even cool. Having seen and done all I have in the last few days could be considered pretty cool, too. 

But it took one single incident that made me cool in my daughter's eyes. The picture I took outside Grauman's Chinese Theater where they were filming America's Next Top Model. Cool? I guess. (Personally I'll take sewing pillowcases or sucking-the-marrow adventures as being at the top of my cool list.)

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Chicago

In my home I have a map. A huge wall map covered with stickers, with each sticker representing a spot I've visited. For a location to earn a spot on the map I need to have either eaten, slept, or gone to the restroom there. I have long stopped counting how many places are marked. 

Chicago is one place that is marked. Ate there? Yes. Slept there? No. Gone to the restroom there? Yes. All in the Chicago airport. It has always been a stop over on the way to someplace else. My husband has been there for business and enjoyed it but Chicago hasn't ever really been a destination location for me. 

But lately I have been wondering if it is a place I am meant to go. Someone at work had mentioned how much they would love to go to Chicago. And since that day the number of Chicago references I have noticed has been astounding.

On that very first day after hearing that person's enthusiasm about Chicago -on my way home, stuck in traffic - I heard on the radio that Oprah was closing down her studio in Chicago.

That same night on my Yahoo page there was reference again to Oprah.

Then when I went to book an Amtrak trip what would appear on the booking page but an advertisement for lowered fares to Chicago?

Another day in an email Chicago pops up again. 

One of the people I follow on Twitter has something going on in Chicago. 

Another day, another person from Twitter that I follow, another Chicago. 

Out to eat at the Village in Meridian and what appears?

Sitting down to watch a couple minutes of TV with hubby. Chicago on the movie. Then the nightly news talking about Chicago dying the river green for St. Patrick's Day. And a man in a Chicago Cubs tshirt in the Mexican restaurant. 

Then we get on this Amtrak train from Seattle to LA. The faucet manufacturer in the restroom? Yep. 

With all this Chicago in just the last couple weeks I'm guessing this means at some point I will be going to Chicago. Too many coincidences for me not to. 

But why? Only the Universe knows. 

Monday, March 2, 2015

Pillowcase Adventure Project

I thought I knew what poverty was. I've traveled the US and seen depressed areas. I've seen the homeless in the big cities. I've seen ram shackled homes in the country. The cycle of poverty is difficult to break and I always worry most about the kids.

Which is why my life plan is shaping up the way it is. I had to go all the way to Belize and Honduras for it to make sense.

Belize City, where people are proud and happy. And poor. A place where education is important. Where the windows and shutters of the schools are wide open and have no screens but students are learning English. Where a little boy ran to the school fence and waved to me as we drove by.

Roatan, Honduras, where the level of poverty is beyond what I ever could have imagined. Where kids don't have much of a chance. Where five year olds have already started walking the beach, trying to hit up tourists for money in exchange for their trinkets.

Then throw in the sewing. Throw in the need for adventure. The need to give back to others. And this pull I have to quit my job.

It's all falling into place. Soon I'll be visiting an orphanage in Honduras, delivering homemade pillowcases to the kids. I haven't forgotten about Idaho, either. I'll be delivering pillowcases to a children's home here, too. A home full of failed-adoption kiddos, kids that no one wants.

A year of love, gratitude, and giving. Of being happy everyday. Might just call it the Pillowcase Adventure Project. (Still working on the name.)

Soon I'll be up, up, and away. Like the planes in the morning.


Sunday, February 8, 2015

Leaping Lizards, Icky Iguanas

It's so hard.

With most chronic diseases, drug companies are actively marketing management treatments, not cures. That means two things. You're stuck with the disease and you're stuck paying drug companies astronomical amounts of money over the course of your lifetime. 

When you are fighting said chronic illness you feel trapped. You are more than willing to do what the experts say to do in order to add normalcy to your life. 

It can, at times, feel like the illness is winning. It takes control of your life. Your day's activities revolve around the pain associated with it. On good days you think you just might be able to make it. On bad days (mind you, when I say bad it's not just a regular person's bad day - it is an all out fight to move kind of day) you are certain you won't make it. 

Then there are those other days. Days of clarity. Days where it all comes into perspective. Usually on those days there are no answers, but there are gut feelings.  Hunches. Intuitions. About what is right for you in that very moment. 

One of those hunches led me to face my fear of lizards by feeding huge iguanas. 

It's a soul thing. Throw caution to the wind. Take a chance. A way to heal myself. Thumb my nose at the doctors and drug companies. And in the meantime maybe discover who I'm meant to be. What if by chance I'm not meant to be sick after all?



Sunday, January 18, 2015

Hunkering Down

As I continue with my chemotherapy medication that makes me sick, as I wait for approval for the new, aggressive rheumatoid arthritis medication. As hubby waits to see if he will have any income this month. As we wait for new carpet to arrive and Internet and phone to be installed in our Boise home. As we wait for our Marsing home to sell. As we work through the emotional and physical toll these last few months have taken on us.

As we wait we have decided to hunker down. Keeping our feelings and thoughts to ourselves, no talking and no visiting and seeing no one. Just the two of us taking a break from the world for a little while. 

We'll be back in society and back to responsibilities and obligations when the time is right. But that time is not now.  Midlife crisis? Physical breakdown? Mental breakdown? 

Maybe a combination of all. Time to take advantage of this sign:


Saturday, January 17, 2015

Emotions

The emotions that have accompanied the life changes we've been experiencing have been stronger than expected.

Husband sitting home all day, every day, with nothing to do but watch TV. His identity - high school teacher - has been lost. 28 years spent in the same school district, in the same building, teaching the same subject. How could it not be an emotional draining situation for him?

Losing kitty, my companion. Having to put her to sleep was difficult. 14 years of knowing when I wasn't feeling well, climbing onto my lap to keep me company. Sitting in the window as I sat sewing at the machine. Still feels like a part of me is missing.

Then teary eyes in kiddo's room when I was cleaning out and boxing things up to make room for the painter. From elementary school to middle school to high school to college to married life, her knick knacks and clothes and medals and posters that had been collected had remained.

The house is now empty. Painting is finished. Doing a walkthrough last night brought more tears to the eyes. And while it won't officially go onto the market until Wednesday, we now have a sign in the yard. Anyone looking for a four bedroom three bath house with a river view in Marsing, Idaho? I know someone selling one.

An emotional time.


Friday, January 16, 2015

Timing

At 8:49 AM I made a phone call. Pouring rain, side of the highway, heading back to Marsing for the last time. With a flat tire.

At 9:11 AM as I sat in the cold car waiting for AAA to arrive I received a text. It came from someone I work with, someone who had no knowledge of my current side-of-the-road situation.  

"Today is going to be awesome!" 

How's that for timing? Such a good reminder that we can choose to be happy even in the pain-in-the-rear situations. 

Thank you, you-know-who for choosing that moment to connect with me. 

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Convinced

I am completely convinced that the geese are speaking directly to me as they honk. Another load of house stuff packed into the car = another noisy flock flying overhead.

I think we'll both miss each other.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Cats and Kids (and Geese)

Before I walked out the door this morning I told my husband, "A house this big needs to be filled with cats and kids. Since we have neither here, it's time to go."

I think the geese agree. For two consecutive days as I've been packing the car I've been greeted by noisy Canadian Geese flying overhead.

Somehow I think they are telling me goodbye. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Hidden Gem

Have you ever had the experience of seeing something, but not really seeing it? I've looked at this picture of ice on my rose bush before. Didn't even see the single snowflake hanging off of it.

Time to start opening my eyes.


Monday, January 12, 2015

The Joy in the Day

As I knelt on the hard floor I realized titanium knees and kneeling, at least in my case, don't mix. In that moment I realized stand up paddle boarding will probably never be part of my life.

Then I went and passed up the opportunity this weekend at the YMCA standup paddle boarding open house. I chickened out, plain and simple. 

Guess I'll find a new adventurous dream. It's not like I don't have a lot to choose from. Not just a lot right now, though. In the winter and the cold and the snow and the rain and the freezing rain and the clouds and fog not many options are presenting themselves right now. 

The brief moment of sunshine (you really have to look to see it) gave me a glimmer of hope for something popping up soon. A joyous moment. 


It's Time

I can't believe what I'm about to say.

It's time.

Time to start the blog up again. Surprised? I sure am. Never thought the day would come where I would find myself writing on a daily basis again. Picture taking, yes. Writing, no. 

But there have been a lot of changes in my life – our lives – and I need an outlet.

The changes, in no particular order:

*Kitty had to be put to sleep. 
*Hubby is no longer working and may wind up on disability. 
*We are making the move from our Marsing house to our Boise house – permanently. 
*I've just recently made the decision not to return to work next year. It was in the early days of this blog when I was so excited to go back to work. And now I'm excited to go the other direction.
*I am down almost 170 pounds.

Yet some things still stay the same.

*I still have rheumatoid arthritis. (No surprise there.) I still only have one lung working. (No surprise there either, but with the weight loss comes easier breathing.) 
*I still work on charity quilts for kids.
*My lust for travel continues. (Actually that should fall in the change list. I find now that I feel a little bit better about myself wanting to do more and go more places.)

It has been a wild ride. Let's see how much wilder it can get. So here I go again pouring out everything I see and do and think and feel.

Welcome back to us both.

First picture up, one of my focuses for the year.


x

Monday, August 25, 2014

Not Gone Yet

I now have Instagram which is linked to both Twitter and the blog. So whether you belong to those two or not, you can still see my pictures on the blog page. (They show up to the right on at the top of the blog.) I believe if you click on a picture it will take you to the picture and what I've written about the picture. So yeah, I'm still around - just in a different way.

I posted a couple pictures today. First, of the sunrise. Second, of a group of people from work getting buckets of ice dumped on them. Yeah, I'm one of those folks who had the pleasure of getting drenched for the ALS ice bucket challenge. You can click over to the right and see part of the video or the picture. If that doesn't work here's the best pic of us.


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

I Owe it to You

Before I leave I do owe everyone a picture. So in the spirit of authenticity I figured it should be a take-me-as-I-am picture. So here is a just-woke-up picture. Still in bed in a nightgown several sizes too big, no makeup, no hair done, not even a chance to get my glasses on. And lip still swollen from whatever it was that got to me in Hawaii. 
About as unglamorous as it gets. 

Then, for those who can't make it over to Twitter, I'm trying to find a way to have my daily Twitter pictures show up over here on the blog. Bear with me as I figure it out and keep checking back to see if it works. A couple people have suggested I use Instagram so we'll see what happens. 

Guess I'm in a big time state of flux!

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Time for a Change

My stories are old. Hubby is tired of me spending time writing on the blog. I'm getting tired of trying to be creative. I know nothing about it, but my boss got me into Twitter. Being I can only write a little on there (I don't know how many characters, but I know there is a limit) it makes sense to switch.

So today is the last day of the blog. I'm moving over to Twitter with my picture of the day. Sure hope you'll come see me over there! (Just search for debzpicaday.) We'll see how it works just hanging there. I'm not sure but you may have to join. (Sorry about that.) Let me know how it works for you. I may be back here if it winds up not being the best solution. 

And guess what? I'm almost brave enough to post a picture of myself. But not yet. Today it'll be just a picture of a flower on today's walk.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Threatened with a Wheelchair

I had a really rough night last night. The pain was more than I've felt in quite some time. The joints, the muscles, the overall achy everything. Almost brought me to tears. I went to bed earlier hoping it would help. But like most nights I tossed and turned (and maybe even whimpered some).

I know why I hurt so much. I'm trying to live a normal life. I'm working full time now for the first time since before I started this blog. Five full days working like a normal person, a Saturday spent working in the garden like a normal person, a Sunday spent at the grocery store like a normal person. Walking around the block like a normal person. (Can you tell the GPS is still off?)


But I'm not a normal person. Or so the rheumatologist reminded me today.

That was at about the same time he threatened me with a wheelchair.

I've been resisting going back to the infusions for going on several months. The doctor made a pretty darn good case about why ignoring treatment is a bad idea. He is absolutely confident that I will be in a wheelchair and on disability within five years. And between now and those five years? The pain, stiffness, fatigue, and joint damage will get worse. I will never get better, never live a normal life. But with infusions, I could possibly have two good months out of every three.

I might just take those two months. Better than what happened last night. I can't hide that kind of misery.