Leaping Lizards, Icky Iguanas

It's so hard.

With most chronic diseases, drug companies are actively marketing management treatments, not cures. That means two things. You're stuck with the disease and you're stuck paying drug companies astronomical amounts of money over the course of your lifetime. 

When you are fighting said chronic illness you feel trapped. You are more than willing to do what the experts say to do in order to add normalcy to your life. 

It can, at times, feel like the illness is winning. It takes control of your life. Your day's activities revolve around the pain associated with it. On good days you think you just might be able to make it. On bad days (mind you, when I say bad it's not just a regular person's bad day - it is an all out fight to move kind of day) you are certain you won't make it. 

Then there are those other days. Days of clarity. Days where it all comes into perspective. Usually on those days there are no answers, but there are gut feelings.  Hunches. Intuitions. About what is right for you in that very moment. 

One of those hunches led me to face my fear of lizards by feeding huge iguanas. 

It's a soul thing. Throw caution to the wind. Take a chance. A way to heal myself. Thumb my nose at the doctors and drug companies. And in the meantime maybe discover who I'm meant to be. What if by chance I'm not meant to be sick after all?

Hunkering Down

As I continue with my chemotherapy medication that makes me sick, as I wait for approval for the new, aggressive rheumatoid arthritis medication. As hubby waits to see if he will have any income this month. As we wait for new carpet to arrive and Internet and phone to be installed in our Boise home. As we wait for our Marsing home to sell. As we work through the emotional and physical toll these last few months have taken on us.

As we wait we have decided to hunker down. Keeping our feelings and thoughts to ourselves, no talking and no visiting and seeing no one. Just the two of us taking a break from the world for a little while. 

We'll be back in society and back to responsibilities and obligations when the time is right. But that time is not now.  Midlife crisis? Physical breakdown? Mental breakdown? 

Maybe a combination of all. Time to take advantage of this sign:

Emotions

The emotions that have accompanied the life changes we've been experiencing have been stronger than expected.

Husband sitting home all day, every day, with nothing to do but watch TV. His identity - high school teacher - has been lost. 28 years spent in the same school district, in the same building, teaching the same subject. How could it not be an emotional draining situation for him?

Losing kitty, my companion. Having to put her to sleep was difficult. 14 years of knowing when I wasn't feeling well, climbing onto my lap to keep me company. Sitting in the window as I sat sewing at the machine. Still feels like a part of me is missing.

Then teary eyes in kiddo's room when I was cleaning out and boxing things up to make room for the painter. From elementary school to middle school to high school to college to married life, her knick knacks and clothes and medals and posters that had been collected had remained.

The house is now empty. Painting is finished. Doing a walkthrough last night brought more tears to the eyes. And while it won't officially go onto the market until Wednesday, we now have a sign in the yard. Anyone looking for a four bedroom three bath house with a river view in Marsing, Idaho? I know someone selling one.

An emotional time.

Timing

At 8:49 AM I made a phone call. Pouring rain, side of the highway, heading back to Marsing for the last time. With a flat tire.

At 9:11 AM as I sat in the cold car waiting for AAA to arrive I received a text. It came from someone I work with, someone who had no knowledge of my current side-of-the-road situation.  

"Today is going to be awesome!" 

How's that for timing? Such a good reminder that we can choose to be happy even in the pain-in-the-rear situations. 

Thank you, you-know-who for choosing that moment to connect with me. 

Convinced

I am completely convinced that the geese are speaking directly to me as they honk. Another load of house stuff packed into the car = another noisy flock flying overhead.

I think we'll both miss each other.

Cats and Kids (and Geese)

Before I walked out the door this morning I told my husband, "A house this big needs to be filled with cats and kids. Since we have neither here, it's time to go."

I think the geese agree. For two consecutive days as I've been packing the car I've been greeted by noisy Canadian Geese flying overhead.

Somehow I think they are telling me goodbye. 

Hidden Gem

Have you ever had the experience of seeing something, but not really seeing it? I've looked at this picture of ice on my rose bush before. Didn't even see the single snowflake hanging off of it.

Time to start opening my eyes.

The Joy in the Day

As I knelt on the hard floor I realized titanium knees and kneeling, at least in my case, don't mix. In that moment I realized stand up paddle boarding will probably never be part of my life.

Then I went and passed up the opportunity this weekend at the YMCA standup paddle boarding open house. I chickened out, plain and simple. 

Guess I'll find a new adventurous dream. It's not like I don't have a lot to choose from. Not just a lot right now, though. In the winter and the cold and the snow and the rain and the freezing rain and the clouds and fog not many options are presenting themselves right now. 

The brief moment of sunshine (you really have to look to see it) gave me a glimmer of hope for something popping up soon. A joyous moment. 

It's Time

I can't believe what I'm about to say.

It's time.

Time to start the blog up again. Surprised? I sure am. Never thought the day would come where I would find myself writing on a daily basis again. Picture taking, yes. Writing, no. 

But there have been a lot of changes in my life – our lives – and I need an outlet.

The changes, in no particular order:

*Kitty had to be put to sleep. 
*Hubby is no longer working and may wind up on disability. 
*We are making the move from our Marsing house to our Boise house – permanently. 
*I've just recently made the decision not to return to work next year. It was in the early days of this blog when I was so excited to go back to work. And now I'm excited to go the other direction.
*I am down almost 170 pounds.

Yet some things still stay the same.

*I still have rheumatoid arthritis. (No surprise there.) I still only have one lung working. (No surprise there either, but with the weight loss comes easier breathing.) 

*I still work on charity quilts for kids.
*My lust for travel continues. (Actually that should fall in the change list. I find now that I feel a little bit better about myself wanting to do more and go more places.)

It has been a wild ride. Let's see how much wilder it can get. So here I go again pouring out everything I see and do and think and feel.

Welcome back to us both.

First picture up, one of my focuses for the year.

x

Not Gone Yet

I now have Instagram which is linked to both Twitter and the blog. So whether you belong to those two or not, you can still see my pictures on the blog page. (They show up to the right on at the top of the blog.) I believe if you click on a picture it will take you to the picture and what I've written about the picture. So yeah, I'm still around - just in a different way.

I posted a couple pictures today. First, of the sunrise. Second, of a group of people from work getting buckets of ice dumped on them. Yeah, I'm one of those folks who had the pleasure of getting drenched for the ALS ice bucket challenge. You can click over to the right and see part of the video or the picture. If that doesn't work here's the best pic of us.

I Owe it to You

Before I leave I do owe everyone a picture. So in the spirit of authenticity I figured it should be a take-me-as-I-am picture. So here is a just-woke-up picture. Still in bed in a nightgown several sizes too big, no makeup, no hair done, not even a chance to get my glasses on. And lip still swollen from whatever it was that got to me in Hawaii. 

About as unglamorous as it gets. 

Then, for those who can't make it over to Twitter, I'm trying to find a way to have my daily Twitter pictures show up over here on the blog. Bear with me as I figure it out and keep checking back to see if it works. A couple people have suggested I use Instagram so we'll see what happens. 

Guess I'm in a big time state of flux!

Time for a Change

My stories are old. Hubby is tired of me spending time writing on the blog. I'm getting tired of trying to be creative. I know nothing about it, but my boss got me into Twitter. Being I can only write a little on there (I don't know how many characters, but I know there is a limit) it makes sense to switch.

So today is the last day of the blog. I'm moving over to Twitter with my picture of the day. Sure hope you'll come see me over there! (Just search for debzpicaday.) We'll see how it works just hanging there. I'm not sure but you may have to join. (Sorry about that.) Let me know how it works for you. I may be back here if it winds up not being the best solution. 

And guess what? I'm almost brave enough to post a picture of myself. But not yet. Today it'll be just a picture of a flower on today's walk.

Threatened with a Wheelchair

I had a really rough night last night. The pain was more than I've felt in quite some time. The joints, the muscles, the overall achy everything. Almost brought me to tears. I went to bed earlier hoping it would help. But like most nights I tossed and turned (and maybe even whimpered some).

I know why I hurt so much. I'm trying to live a normal life. I'm working full time now for the first time since before I started this blog. Five full days working like a normal person, a Saturday spent working in the garden like a normal person, a Sunday spent at the grocery store like a normal person. Walking around the block like a normal person. (Can you tell the GPS is still off?)


But I'm not a normal person. Or so the rheumatologist reminded me today.

That was at about the same time he threatened me with a wheelchair.

I've been resisting going back to the infusions for going on several months. The doctor made a pretty darn good case about why ignoring treatment is a bad idea. He is absolutely confident that I will be in a wheelchair and on disability within five years. And between now and those five years? The pain, stiffness, fatigue, and joint damage will get worse. I will never get better, never live a normal life. But with infusions, I could possibly have two good months out of every three.

I might just take those two months. Better than what happened last night. I can't hide that kind of misery.

Shopping in Circles

Going grocery shopping and shopping for shoes and clothes in the same store made me look like I didn't know where the heck I was going. Actually, I didn't. I've always shopped in the large women's clothing section of the store. But I can't wear those sizes anymore so I had to find a department that had clothes that would fit. Not knowing what size I really wear I had to spend time trying things on. All that work (plus the 3/4 of a mile of walking) and all I came away with was boring groceries and a pair of shoes and a shirt, both on clearance. Better than nothing.

Time to Pass the Christmas Torch

I've been thinking long and hard on this one. When I was cleaning my sewing room today the decision became final in my mind.

No more sewing Christmas stockings for the Stockings for Soldiers project.

This is the time of year when I start working on the project, but instead I find it's the time to pass the torch. Pass it to others who don't feel the need to outdo themselves due to some I-need-to-impress or I'm-never-enough way of thinking.

I have lots of non-Christmas charity projects and lots of non-Christmas fabric to work with.

It's kind of sad, but it's time to let Christmas go. 

GPS Malfunction

The GPS walking app on my phone must have some sort of issue. One lap around the block at work looks like this.

The two trips around the block looks like this.

You'd think I was running back and forth across the streets and in yards and into homes. (Don't worry, I wasn't.) Weird.

Personal Weather Station

No need to watch the weather on TV here. Just pay attention to the cat. When she hunches under the coffee table you know a storm is on its way.

This time there was more lightning in one storm than I have ever seen before. Even managed to snap a picture in the middle of the night.

Being Aware

When I'm busy it's hard for me to look beyond what I'm doing. While I've struggled with it for years I like to think I'm better than I used to be. I know I was better today since I was looking at the clouds on my way to work.

Unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me and missed the opportunity to take a picture of a spectacular cloud formation. But I redeemed myself by continuing to be aware this afternoon. This interesting cloud caught my eye when I got home.

Radio Silence

I feel like I've gone silent on the blog but I'm just back to work. Leaves kitty home to play outside. Which in her case might just mean playing in the dirt. Geez, the girl needs a bath.

Happy Dance

It's nice to be home. I get to sleep in my own bed. I get to be greeted by a cat happy to see me. I get to see my flowers in bloom. (Black-eyed Susans in the picture.)

I get back to my scale. 130 pounds lost. Happy dance time!