Day 189 of 365

I almost cried last night. Not because I had a bad day, or because someone said something to me, or because I stubbed my toe.

I almost cried last night because I was utterly and totally exhausted. Another late night at work and a day full of meetings. Every time I go to a meeting, I'm carry a big bag of books, files and binders. A heavy bag. And my shoulders and my back have borne the brunt of the pressure.

Then there are the hands. When I started back to work and greatly increased the amount of time I spent on the computer, my hands started swelling up from the arthritis. Now my hands aren't working so well. I've even resorted to putting the tube of toothpaste on the edge of the sink and using the heel of my hand to squeeze. No more squeezing toothpaste tubes in the morning for me.

And my wrists? In worse shape than ever. From loading and unloading books and binders, and typing and typing and typing. And getting the laptop in and out, and filing papers.

I have an appointment at the pain clinic tomorrow, but I'm not holding out hope of any relief there. Unless it's comic relief. (See Day 145 for my experience there last time.) Rheumatologist is in a few weeks and I'm counting on some suggestions for arthritis pain relief. Maybe. I'll even take arthritis pain management instead of relief at this point.

So when I got home last night, hurting beyond belief, exhausted beyond belief, I wanted to cry.

But I didn't. I had a great dinner prepared by my husband, went to bed for a little bit, then got back up to take a shower. Showers always make me feel better. It just didn't make me feel as good as I wished, but it kept my tears away.

Today here I went again, back to a meeting in Boise with my big bag of folders and a laptop to carry to and from the faraway parking lot to the meeting.

Nice sunrise on the drive in, though. A bit of haze in the air made for a pretty picture.

Make a Homemade Bread Basket Liner - Day 188 of 365, Tutorial Tuesday

Sugar cookies, be gone!

I love my sugar cookies. I love decorating them, I love looking at them, I love eating them, and I love giving them away. They are something I can do quick and easy without much thought.

But I'm tired of them right now. I'm not really tired of the cookies, but I'm tired of the internal struggle - like the one that happened on Day 127. I've had better willpower these last few weeks and have given them away before eating them, but still every single time I make them I struggle with keeping them out of my mouth.

The sugar cookie demon has been faced many times these past months:

• St. Patrick's Day (Day 12)
• Easter Eggs (Day 36)
• Peeps (Day 49)
• Flowers (Day 63)
• Ladybugs, Beehives, and Bumblebees (Day 146)
• Carrots (Day 168)
• Corn on the Cob (Day 174)
• Fishbowls (Day 181)

By making them again and again, it's like I want to torture myself. Am I trying to prove I'm strong? Or maybe I'm trying to prove I'm weak? I'm tired of feeling like I'm punishing myself every time I'm around them. I could just make them and eat them and have no guilt about it. But I can't.

So out go the sugar cookie tutorials for a while and back comes a sewing-themed tutorial.

A reversible bread basket liner similar to the one I made on Day 38. Nearly the same pattern, but with different fabric. If you like bread with your dinner, or you're thinking ahead to the holidays like me, it's an quick and easy project to whip up.

Now available as a written pattern in my Etsy shop!

Looking for something else? Check out some of my other kitchen sewing and crafting projects!

Otherwise you can find the step by step how to tutorial for the bread basket liner sewing project here:

Day 187 of 365

Just be still.

I keep having to remind myself to just be still. Stop trying to keep busy, stop trying to always be thinking or doing something. Just sit still and do nothing. Enjoy the quiet.

Over these past few months at home before summer vacation, I had been getting pretty good at it. I had the entire day to myself. Me, myself, and I (and some days the kitty). Time to think, contemplate, plan, and be alone in my thoughts. Time to appreciate the quiet, time to appreciate all I had.

But now as I've started back to work, I'm getting caught up in trying to keep busy. Work days are a given as the entire day is wrapped up in, well...work. Part of the draw of this work being part time was it was going to allow me those quiet, peaceful days during the week where I could be alone. I could take my time getting out of bed. I wasn't going to force my body to move earlier than it wanted to (because that always winds up costing me in the end).

Here I am a month into work and I have yet to have one day by myself. Those days I do have off I'm at a doctor's appointment or some other medical-related appointment, or my daughter is here, or my husband is here. Each week I have high hopes for some alone, quiet, just-be-still time.

Yet again this week it won't happen. Today hubby was also home, I work three other days, and the fifth day will be spent at the most interesting of all doctor's offices, the pain clinic.

Good things come about when I'm still and quiet. I just might have to force myself to be still and quiet. I did force myself just a bit today - I sat outside. After taking down clothes from the line, I just sat there. Enjoyed the weather, didn't think about anything.

The stillness did give me a chance to find a picture for the day. An big ugly old spider captured himself a moth and was doing whatever it is spiders do with moths.

Day 186 of 365

It appears I'm not the only one in my family with Christmas on my mind. Just a couple days ago when my mom and daughter were here there was a discussion of Christmas gifts for my daughter. Then I wrote about Christmas crafts here yesterday, and just today my husband told me about something he wanted on his Christmas Eve list.

We have a Christmas Eve tradition of opening one present early, with the rest being opened on Christmas Day. Our tradition started because of a Batman Helicopter. 

Growing up, my husband's family let kids open one gift on Christmas Eve. The kids got to choose one wrapped present from under the tree to be the special Christmas Eve one. One year, the particular present my husband picked wound up being a Batman Helicopter. A plain, plastic, toy helicopter. A present he didn't ask for, a present he didn't even want. A present that forever tainted that eight year old's Christmas Eve experience.

After we were married, he made it clear there would be no early gifts. But that changed.

With both of us being educators, books are important in our lives. We have hundreds (probably thousands) of books of mine, his, ours, and our daughter's. And we have a tradition of giving books on Christmas Eve.

Every Christmas Eve, we open an early present. And every Christmas Eve, it is always a book we want. We look months ahead at books of interest. Books we can put on our Christmas Eve book list. And every Christmas Eve when we open that book, we spend part of the evening reading before going to bed. It's an important tradition to us.

So today as my husband was reading the Sunday paper, he saw an article about a new book coming up. A book about John F. Kennedy. Being a history teacher, he's big into JFK. Particularly JFK and conspiracy theories. He has videos, and we have more than one shelf here at home full of JFK books, and it looks like come Christmas Eve he'll be adding one more.

He's big into JFK, history, and patriotism. While I was working on getting ready for my tutorial, he came in all excited about having cut what he called a "Labor Day Special" bouquet. Unfortunately, he had to explain it to me - red, white, and blue (okay, purple) roses.

And the name of the white rose in there? It's the rose called JFK.

Day 185 of 365

I like September.

I like September because that means it's almost October.

October means fall and trees turning orange and yellow and cooler days. October means it's time to rake up the leaves, shut up the rose garden, and close things down outside. It means no more guilt about the lack of time spent weeding, or the scarcity of bouquets brought in, or having to worry about keeping things trim and tidy.

And almost October means almost November. November equals Christmas. The only holiday for me.

I love doing crafts, but I particularly love Christmas crafts. Homemade ornaments, stockings, tree skirts, wall hangings. Years ago I got the idea I was going to sell crafts at Christmas shows. I didn't. I sold some things at school, but never found the time to make up enough things to do a show. Then I had the idea I would just sell Christmas things year round. I didn't.

But being it is September, which means it's almost October, which means it's almost November (which means Christmas crafts to me), I'm kind of excited.

Excited that I feel well enough - and have the time - to make fun stuff.

I was going to do another sugar cookie tutorial today for Tuesday's video, but I'm getting a bit tired of cookies right now. I'll do the tutorial tomorrow instead and more than likely it won't be cookies.

By the look of the tons of fabric squares I received in the mail today (plus the yards and yards of batting that didn't make it into the picture), it might need to be sewing related.

Day 184 of 365

A new day and a new job.

A new job? Not exactly a new job, but today I was offered an additional job at my same school. A couple extra hours a week added to my current part-time position equates to a few more dollars going towards paying my health insurance.  Doing sort of the same thing I'm doing already, but just for a different program.  Two job descriptions attached to my name now and some new responsibilities.

The best part of this particular add-on job is I that I can do it from home. No need to go into school any extra days, no need to get out of my sweats or into dress shoes. T-shirt, sweats or shorts, and tennis shoes - now those are the kind of clothes I can live in.

Just hanging out in comfy clothes, doing my job (or at least a couple hours of it).

Comfy clothes or not, I'm so thankful I can be a productive person and have something to offer. Not too long ago I didn't believe I'd ever get back to work, that my days of contributing were over. I can't believe my brain is still working.

Something else that doesn't seem believable? One of our few still-green pumpkins in the garden. The vine found its way to the pea fence and I think it decided it's a good place to hang out until fall.

While my mind, body, and spirit was broken not too long ago, I wonder what will break first here- the pumpkin, the vine, or the pea fence?

Day 183 of 365

It's half over.

I am now six months into my year-long plan of taking a picture a day. My, how far I've come. Yet, ...

The other day I wrote about how posting on the blog early in the day relieves pressure from me. How after I post it feels like the important part of the day is done and I can relax.

Yes and no.

After 183 days you'd think I would have exhausted the picture-taking possibilities. Sometimes it feels that way.  I want every picture to mean something to me. Just like when I started writing here, my goal was to take a picture every day to show I had lived.

But sometimes it feels that my life isn't exciting enough to document. I'm just an average person living an average (or in most cases, a below-average) kind of life. While we traveled extensively in the past, we're not doing that anymore.

I have thousands of pictures I've taken all over this country. The White House, nighttime fireworks over Disney World, The Space Needle in Seattle, taxis in New York City, Graceland, Florida beaches, the aftermath of Katrina in New Orleans. But that seems such a long time ago, a different life.

Nowadays it's so much simpler. Just looking at the categories of pictures tells the story. Sewing, gardening, charity.

It occurred to me this blog has allowed me to focus on a simpler life. It gives me a reason to look for something important in each and every day. While occasionally I might feel guilty I'm not posting pictures of exciting things like trips and parties and celebrations, the pictures are a genuine representation of the person I am.

I am a homebody. I like to cook and sew and garden. And who knew I would be someone who likes to make things for charity? (Certainly not me.)

Even though I sometimes feel pressure to find a picture, I always come up with something. Something unique, or important to me, something I've made, or something that fits in with how I'm feeling. I guess the universe is on my side, cheering me along.

Looking back to six months ago, I could never have predicted where I'd be now.

Back on Day 1 I had blinders on. It was dark and I couldn't see anything around me but the pain. In that first post I even struggled coming up with things I was thankful for. But over the course of the last six months, having a purpose - taking a picture and writing about it - forced me to get myself out of bed every day. Getting out of bed for many of those days (and still some days now) was/is an impossible feat. Getting out of bed and having to do something was even more impossible.

But I've done it. For half a year.

I'm still taking pictures and writing every single day. My charity work continues. I do weekly how-to videos now. I committed to an exercise program for four months, and now I'm at it again. I'm back to work doing a new job I enjoy. My confidence which was so sorely missed over the last 18 months is returning.

Although, the pain relief I was hoping for never came to be. It's as bad as before, but I'm developing better ways (mentally and physically) to cope with it. I still have my same frustrations with pain and fatigue, but I'm managing.

A couple people have asked me if I would continue this past the 365 day mark. Maybe. I am absolutely certain that if it wasn't for this "project", I wouldn't have made the growth I've had. I can't imagine I'm halfway to where I want to be. How long does it take people to be where they want to be?

At this six month anniversary, I didn't celebrate. But it just so happens this is the day my mom came to my house for the first time since she moved back from California. My daughter was here, too, so we spent some time today in the kitchen and with some garden produce. All of us now have plenty of food to take to work, home, and freeze.

Our table at the end of the day told the story:

• 71 tomatoes, 30 jalapenos, and 5 bell peppers picked from the garden.
• 1 batch of salsa made (from the garden produce).
• 9 loaves of zucchini bread baked (from garden zucchini).
• 6 jumbo sized banana muffins (from leftover bananas).
• 10 fried peach pies (from dehydrated peaches brought back from California).

Three generations of women baking. Probably a celebration in its own right.